A Victory for the Pocketbooks

A victory has been won (at least for one year anyway) on the front of the financing adoptions war.

Everyone knows that, unfortunately, adoption costs a lot of money. Adoptive Parents often battle with their budgets to make way for their beloved children.

Our government offers an Adoption Tax Credit as an incentive for families to adopt. That tax credit was in danger of disappearing.

Now, President Obama has extended the Adoption Tax Credit for another year. To which we cheer Hooray!

You can read about how the adoption tax credits have been extended for one year HERE

Approval

We got the call. Our social service coordinator has our approved home study in her hands. She's mailing it to us today.

She was frustrated to tell me that the commissioner signed it on JANUARY 27th!!

WHAT!?

We don't know what caused the delay, but we're happy to know it's on its way to us TODAY. Our family coordinator in VA was so excited to get my email about our approved HS she called me ;-) and told me she'd been waiting on it. HA!

A few glitches were still encountered. (Of course!)

The court forgot to include our police clearance letters with the approval and since all our local Police and Sheriff's offices no longer issue letters for private citizens anymore. (trust me we tried them all. I begged and pleaded and finally got so angry I told one rude receptionist "thanks for NOTHING." Don't even get me started about rude government employees. It's enough to make my head spin.)

We're at the mercy of the court once again to get these letters completed in a timely manner for our family. PLEASE pray for us!

Also, the courts stated in our approval that our re-certification had been approved BUT we completely redid our HS and it's not a re-cert. It's a brand new certification. So our social services coordinator is requesting a new letter. But, that portion won't affect our ability to forward our approved HS to USCIS for A*'s visa nor will it affect our ability to send off our dossier. Though, our dossier can't take flight until we get those pesky police clearance letters so, again, please pray with us that those come back quickly.

Good With the Bad

I've got good news and bad news.

So, how do you want it? Bad first? Or good?

Since you're not here to answer me I'm going to go with good first.

I got a call from our social worker. She heard from a clerk at the court that our HS is on our way back there from the commissioner. That implies that it has been approved. The clerk told our SW that she expects to have it returned to our SW by end of next week.

Yeah!

Approved home study= good news.

Okay, strap in my friends. This one's a doozie....

A* contracted Tuberculosis in the orphanage.

And, he'll have to stay in Addis Ababa for six months of treatment before he will be issued a visa by the US government.

I've cried buckets today over that one.

Dustin and I are absolutely crushed for A*. This is nothing we'd ever want for him. We are dealing with much grief and a deep sadness I can't even find the words to describe.

There's even a twisted temptation to feel guilty for not getting to him in time. But we KNOW that God is in control. And so we trust.

Even when it hurts.

Tuberculosis + my son = BAD, bad news.

The Things We Say

Oh my goodness I cannot believe I've never posted on the topic of adoption language! Being a person who is constantly thinking of ways to better express myself, the idea of expressing adoption in a positive light is near and dear to my heart.

You may or may not have heard the term "positive adoption language" or PAL but it's likely you are already familiar with some of the language.

Positive Adoption Language is a term used to define a set of words or phrases that is, by and large, accepted by the adoption community. (Though PAL is NOT without its staunch opponents here in the US) These terms are generally considered appropriate for use when speaking about adoption, and are those most often in use today.

PAL is defined by a desire to give the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity surrounding the process of adoption. It is also intended to affirm people who have been adopted and empower them.

Some people have dismissed the importance of intentional adoption language as being "too PC."

Don't get me wrong, this is SO NOT about being concerned about offending people who are easily offended; I'm not into being politically correct. I am into being conscious of my words and their usage in order to express clearly, in the most respectful and positively truthful light, the adoption experience, as far as I am able.

Words matter. They matter to the people who are trying to learn about adoption. They matter to the first parents who are not raising their children. They matter in portraying accurately what adoptive families are all about. And, most especially, they matter to the children and adults who have been adopted.

I don't think there will ever be a time when I can sit back and say I'd don't need to take inventory of my use of language in describing adoption. I'm not perfect. I am going to blow it and will require grace. But I also know my heart intends to honor everyone involved here.

I'm constantly looking for ways to express myself better. I strive to be diligent in trying to view things more from Jonas and A*'s perspective. I ask myself how they might feel about the different things I say, and how I can improve.

Here are a few links about PAL (positive adoption language):

First, in the interest of educating families about what the resistance to PAL looks like I thought I'd add this link for your consideration. The opposition has their own set of words/phrases which they call Respectful Adoption Language or RAL. A simple google search will turn up many more blogs and articles on the topic if you're interested. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/3208/respectful_adoption_language.html?cat=9

A list of positive vs. negative words according to the PAL philosophy of language: http://www.adoptlink.com/language.htm

A more in depth article explaining PALs intention:
http://www.perspectivespress.com/pjpal.html

In the evolution of my own speech I have come to call what many would recognize as Jonas' "birth mother" his first mother. I believe this more accurately describes who she is. I believe it places her positionally first in the timeline of his life, which is accurate, and also gives him freedom to place her first in his heart as well. It's my attempt to acknowledge the great loss of her in his life. I don't feel this title diminishes myself in any way. Calling her first is something I'm totally comfortable with. I am committed to never feeling threatened by Jonas' love for her in any way. Later, when Jonas is older he can refer to me and his first mother how ever he chooses, but for now this is the way I choose to represent her before him.

I, personally, have grown uncomfortable with the term "bio kids" or "biological children". It may just be me, but, last I checked my son who was adopted is biological too. I simply prefer to take the extra second and a half to state it this way, "My children who were birthed and my children who were adopted."

I always state adoption in the past tense since it was a one time event. It's over now. My son who WAS adopted has been adopted, now the adoption is OVER. He's simply my son.

I also strongly dislike when people still refer to our son as an orphan. He is no longer an orphan. The term orphan in Jonas' case was a legal term which is now obsolete. It signified that his mother had chosen to legally terminate her parental rights thus requiring new legal parents for him, which we became. She cared for his needs by taking steps to ensure he could have new legal guardians and parents who would lovingly raise him and provide for him.

I am sure than when A* comes home it will be a different, and at times trying, experience as we navigate a new set of circumstances and how to communicate those to A* and others around us.

In A*'s case neither of his first parents chose to initiate adoption because they were both dead. Another family member made that decision for them. Events necessitated a new set of parents step in and raise A*. We are honored and proud to be able to be those parents.

For anyone who says adoption isn't messy they're crazy! It is messy. But it has it's benefits and its blessings too.

Then again, life is MESSY. There's no avoiding it.

What are your thoughts on the whole PAL vs. RAL debate? Any pet peeve phrases driving you nuts lately? Have you noticed your language evolving as well? Share your thought please! I'd love to know.

Hurry Up and Wait (Again)

Well, it's been two weeks since we submitted our HS (home study) to the court asking for it to be expedited. Since it generally takes a month for approval I'm assuming we didn't find favor with the commissioner. In my book one month minus a day isn't really expedited service, but that's just me. The fine folks at the court may see things differently.

I was really doing well with all the delays; that is until I took a look at our timeline ticker and realized that A*'s been waiting on us for over six months now.

That number hit me like a sledgehammer.

I think every adoptive family comes to a point in the process when the bureaucratic red tape is maddening. It becomes really difficult to wrap your mind around the concept that 1) a child needs parents, 2) parents are ready, willing, and able, but 3) paperwork or red tape keeps them apart. It just feels completely WRONG.

Yes, the paperwork is necessary, for it prevents abuses and is intended to protect innocent children. I KNOW how important these safeguards are. Yet my mind cannot reconcile itself with my breaking mother's heart. This is my SON. He's not a number on a file. He's not process. He's a CHILD who has lost everything. He's grieving and SICK and he needs a family to belong to; a home where his needs can be met. We are honored and blessed to be able to be that family.... if only we could get him here.

For me, these six months haven't felt too terribly long. I suppose it's because I've been busy chasing papers, reading books and doing the usual adoption preparations. It also helps that I've got the other four kids and a loving husband to to keep me busy. After all the delays we experienced during Jonas' adoption we came much more equipped to peacefully wait the process out this time.

But, I'm really hurting for A* right now. Because our paperwork was vague we don't know how long he's been in the orphanage. I'm not sure sure, but I think he may have arrived in June. By the time we arrive he'll have been there for almost a year. (O Lord please let this not take any longer than June!!!)

I'm sad that he's been waiting so long; sad to know we've been working on getting him home for over half that time. I want A* to get to the doctors waiting here who will take GREAT care of him. I want him to meet his brother and sisters. Dustin and I want what all waiting adoptive parents want, which is to jump in and do the actual work of being a mom or a dad to A*.

For now, I keep praying God uses this time to prepare us even more for A*s arrival, so that when he come home we'll be the best parents we can be. If every minute apart somehow means we're being better equipped to take care of A* then it helps, a little, to redeem the time.

Blessings Through The Back Door

When I posted last things were looking pretty discouraging. Our home study had been delayed through the holidays and with the new year came the possibility of having to redo some of our paperwork. The problem with redoing some of the paperwork was that some of the particulars might take a few more months to complete.

After receiving some mixed communication from our family coordinator originally indicating Dustin and I could be at risk of losing A* (because of his having to wait so long.) Dustin and I were extremely concerned for the stability of this adoption. Thankfully we spoke with the director of programs at corporate who assured us nothing was at risk related to A*.

Long story short, it seems the very stressful 24 hours we experienced Wednesday- Thursday was actually God's provision sneaking in under the guise of trouble. I had been talking on the phone with my sweet sister when she made a comment which was straight from God's own mouth to my ears, for when she uttered the words everything within me stood at attention. She expressed the idea that it was possible that all these irritating events were intended by God to be blessings, and that now we were in the forefront of every one's mind at AWAA while they were all simultaneously working to get things moved forward.

I felt that what my sister had said was the truth. And, after being blessed by the prayers of our friends in the AWAA YG (yahoo group) I had a new perspective.

Through the events of this week I was able to practice how to remain calm and still in those moments of trouble and dig down deeper with the Lord to see what He's really up to. I realized it's not just about God working things out and removing obstacles so that our paths will be smooth and straight. It's about getting to know Him in the process and enjoying His presence and goodness in the meanwhile. It's about the peace that is able to hang right alongside deep emotions of grief. It's about being human and truly not knowing what methods God will use to manage the circumstances of life, nor what twists and turns it may take, but trusting by faith in the Source of every good and perfect gift.

I feel I gained a little better understanding of that this week.

Needless to say, by Friday almost every snag that had cropped up against us was resolved. It was if entire icebergs had been melted before our very eyes. God's blessings were coming in through the back door. If I hadn't remained watchful I think I would have missed that understanding. I wouldn't have been able to sit with the Lord while He worked things out. I would have allowed the peace that was available to me to pass right by.

As of Friday our current status is that our home study (HS) has been submitted to the AZ court along with a letter requesting the commissioner expedite our case in light of the fact that A* is waiting (I hope, too, that they informed him of A*'s special medical concerns as well). If the commissioner is feeling generous he may expedite our case. I have to say that I sense that the Lord will cause him to be amiable toward the idea and that our paperwork will return to us quickly. If our paperwork is returned quickly every indication is that we will not have to redo the paperwork which would be time consuming and cause delays. This means that our dossier could be in Ethiopia very soon.

Last Year At This Time

On this day last year Dustin and I were meeting our son Jonas for the first time. You can watch the video* here.


We travelled with an awesome group of people who will forever come to mind at Christmas. We shared such amazing, life changing events together. I wish somehow I could hug them all today and share once again the joy of our experience.

You can visit some some of their blogs:

Stager Family

Burk Family

Caldwell Family

*Disregard the date at the beginning of the video. We were in Addis for a week before meeting Jonas working with some friends at Hope for the Hopeless. All those busy days bled together. When and I made this clip after we got home I guessed at the date and got it wrong. Thankfully sources more reliable than myself straightened me out.

Biometrics Appointment Version 2.0

Dustin and I received our biometrics appointment dates in the mail. We'll be going October 23rd.

The saga continues.

I case you've forgotten the joys of our dealings with USCIS I've come up with a convenient numbering system to help track our various experiences with the fine folks there. May I remind you of appointments 1.0 (which was so devastating I posted about it twice), 1.1, and 1.2.

We would endure any number of visits, though, because we've got a precious boy waiting on us. He is oh SOOO worth it!

Immunizations and Immigration for Adopted Children

Okay, so by now I think we all know about how our kiddos adopted from Ethiopia are considered immigrants until readoption in the US.

I wanted to write today about the vaccination requirements for immigrants. To see a list go to: http://www.immihelp.com/greencard/vaccination-requirements.html

In the case of HIV+ children the issue becomes whether or not is is medically profitable for the child to receive these vaccinations. Because of a diminished ability to fight off infection it is often advantageous to stagger immunizations for these children. In the Visa process parents of children 10 years or younger can apply for a waiver HERE. They must attest that they will vaccinate the child within 30 days or "at the earliest time it is medically appropriate." This will allow them to delay their child's vaccinations until they become medically beneficial for their child.

Adopted children who are 11 or older are subject to the immigrant vaccination requirement. This was another cited reason for the FACE Act as proposed by EACH which would make our internationally adopted children citizens while they were still in their birth country so that they would not be subject to immigration requirements. (I've already written about the immigration concerns related to TB in children.)

The issue of the vaccination requirements for immigrants is a heated debate right now as problems surface with regard to blanket requirements. I completely understand the need and benefit of vaccinations. I also see how the CDC might want to consider adjusting their regulations based on age.

To read up on how these requirements play out in real life for child immigrants I offer for your consideration a story about how Gardasil was added to the list of recommended vaccines, and became an immigration requirement. It seems like even the advisory council that recommended Gardasil to be added didn't mean for it to be an immigration requirement.

Now that is is a requirement you can see how a girl's ability to gain citizenship was affected when she refused to receive the Gardisil injection. There are two articles about her case. Here and Here

A Rose By Any Other Name

Today is all about names. Oh how we've grappled with them since coming home last Christmas. Tomorrow is our scheduled re adoption court hearing, during which Jonas will receive his new name.

Again.

I wonder, as my son grows, how will he come to terms with the complexity of his owning many names? Reflective of so much of my young Jonas' life the changes of his name speak to all that he has gained and lost. While his names will never be able to completely define his person they do tell at least a part of his story.

For me, it's just one more instance of how adoption is never simple. Not for any of us involved.

Jonas was given the name Yonas A* Geremew by his birth mother. (I'm leaving out parts of his name on purpose) We treasure his given name because of it's significance and history. Each name was lovingly chosen for him by his first mother and has deep meaning. It is unique that he was given 3 names at birth. To this point I have not known any other Ethiopian with what we would consider a middle name.

In Ethiopia the custom is to name a child and for their second name - what we would call a last name- the father's first name is granted. So, for example, the son of a man named Fikadu might be Yonathan Fikadu. There are no real surnames in Ethiopia.

After the Ethiopian courts granted us custody of our prince they dropped all but his first name, Yonas. As is custom officials gave our son his father's first name. Then they tagged on our last name (I guess this was their effort to Americanize the name) We knew from the beginning that Yonas Dustin wasn't going to stay Jonas' legal name.

We were burdened to make the right decision in renaming Jonas. We wanted to honor his first mother and bestow upon him a place in this family as well. Because Jonas is the English translation of Yonas it's obvious how we came to that conclusion for his legal name though we often call him Yonas or his Ethiopian nickname, "Yoni".

A* will remain the same because it is the male version of his first mother's name, thus we value it deeply.

All the members of this family have middle names which begin with "L", so we determined that Jonas would have to have an "L" middle name too. Liben is an Amharic name meaning "Ethiopian King" which, of course, he is!

We made the tough decision to drop Geremew from his legal name and add Liben instead.
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what is the "right" thing to do.

There is so much to consider when renaming. We wondered if we should we leave his first name intact. Could altering it to the English pronunciation be something he would grow to appreciate? We also worried that not having an "L" middle name might make him feel left out in some way. I think he will both mourn trading yet another piece of the history his first mother granted him by naming him Geremew and appreciate the common bond of our "L"-ness. I did imagine Jonas growing up with 5 names and wishing we had edited a little so he could be like every other kid.

Ultimately, four names seemed like plenty enough for a legal name. So, the child will be Jonas A* Liben (and our last name). I find great solace in the fact that my nephew has two middle names as well. Thus the two can commiserate when in each other's company.

We will teach Jonas that all the names he's been given are his possession regardless of what any piece of paper says. He is so much more than a name and can never be defined by one (or, in his case seven.)


I pray one day Yonas A* Geremew Dustin Jonas Liben will understand how painstakingly and thoughtfully we attempted to proceeded in choosing his legal name. Then, I pray he'll find grace and peace for all the decisions made which were out of his hands.

EACH- Equality for Adopted Children

I believe I highlighted this organization before, but it's been awhile. Besides, I've gotten a new blog badge for EACH. I'm a member of EACH because they are working to see that legislation passes which provides equality to children who are adopted abroad by US citizens.

One major push EACH is making is to remove the immigrant status of children adopted by US citizens. If their parents are citizens don't you think that ought to make them citizens? Me too! That's why I support the work EACH is doing. Won't you please sign up to become a member? And, let your friends and family know they, too, can join- EACH is not just for adoptive parents.

Dossier Almost Complete

Today I collected the last document we're responsible for chasing down to include in our dossier. There are two others I need, one being the all important Home Study, but they don't depend on me getting them here. Other folks have to do it. So, basically I'm done.

Can you believe that!? Less than two months from the date we were accepted into the program we're done* paper chasing. Praise the Lord!

Our Social Worker (SW) is waiting to schedule our last visit with her until most of the work related to our HS is complete. That's because the HS has to be finished and turned in to the courts within 14 days of her last HS visit with us. Our last meeting will be my one on one interview. I'm looking forward to it. As I've said before we LOVE our SW. She's just fabulous to work with.

As things stand now we're on track to finish up our dossier before the end of October. We are chugging right along down the potential timeline we initially received (give or take a month or two).

Seriously, WHEN does this ever happen in the world of international adoption? On time? Ahead of schedule?

This must be some alternate universe. Or something.

(Wait! Tell me I'm not dreaming this!!)


* In reference to adoption paperwork the term done is used VERY loosely.

One Year Referral-versary

We first laid eyes on our son a year ago today. What a special and exciting time for us! After months and moths of praying for our nameless faceless child we were finally able to lay eyes on our beloved! We are so thankful the Lord has given us Jonas Aychew Liben to train in the way he should go.

Son, you are a joy and a privilege to love!

Potential Timeline

I received some more information from our Family Coordinator about what the progression of events might look like for A*'s adoption. Here's what she wrote me:

The time line will look like this:

·We can request court date once a family has completed all dossier documents but are just waiting for their 1-171h (1-4months depending on how fast they work).

·A* will start TB sputum testing (9 week process) once we have court date. We would receive court date anywhere from 4 to 12 weeks after initial dossier is submitted.

·Once you pass court and have received your I-171h you can travel to ET. This will probably be roughly 2 to 4 week after passing court.

·When you travel to Ethiopia, you will travel for two weeks. You will apply for a
different I 600A there, send your waiver to Kenya, and wait for your
recommendation from Kenya.


Okay people... did you read that!? If (Big IF) my calculations are correct we could be finished with our dossier by the end of October at the latest and be waiting our only our I-171h form. That means AWAA could potentially request a court date end of Oct for us which could land us having court sometime around end of January with potential travel being early spring sometime around March. And those dates are using the longest time estimates they gave us.

Of course so much has to happen other than paperwork in that time. I am praying that the Lord do a MAJOR work in the hearts/minds of everyone in our family to prepare us for A*'s arrival. We are asking the Lord to pave the way in A*'s heart for his new family and for grace poured over us to be sensitive to our little guy's needs. Having the images of how the stress wreaked havoc on Jonas so fresh on my mind turns my prayers toward A and all he will have to endure. I am already praying for God's miraculous touch on A and for peace for his soul.

I just had a chuckle with Dustin the other day because we kidded each other on the plane coming home from Ethiopia with Jonas (who slept basically the whole way) that we'd NEVER want to take a trip back home from Ethiopia with a toddler. We joked that dealing with that age range on a flight that long during all the emotional stress of transitioning a child into our care would be nightmarish (having previous experience with the girls at that age and their affinity for tantrums and high energy levels.)

HAHAHA Oh, doesn't the Lord have such a funny sense of humor!? Here we are going to get a three year old boy.... the exact age that we've always said was the most difficult to deal with in terms of meltdowns, etc. Needless to say I am already praying for our return flight. The good news is we'll be staying for two weeks in Addis Ababa again and will be afforded some extra time for A* to warm up to us.

It's Gonna Be....

a wild ride, folks!

Strap in if you plan on joining us here at the blog, because things are moving fast (for now) in this, our second, adoption. We have identified a child and we are pursuing him. We will not be officially matched with him until our home study is complete and approved by the state. Therefore, we cannot say we have a referral. But, we are pursuing a referral for this particular boy- who we'll call A*.

A* is a little younger than 3 years old and is HIV positive. We believe he will make a great addition to our family and are so thrilled to be on this journey! We are asking for your continued prayers for A*'s health. We are also asking for prayers concerning the financial aspect of this adoption. Since we already have a child identified the process moves a lot faster, (provided we don't crash headfirst into any of the MANY bumps in the road common to adoption) since things are able to move faster it means payments are required sooner. It could be that finances are the major roadblock to A* coming home quickly. That would be a HUGE bummer since every day he spends in institutional care is another day spent in risk of illness and opportunistic infections, not to mention the typical developmental delays.

Here is where we are at now: Our Home Study Documents are cranking along and I've almost got every document gathered for that. We will begin visits with our AWESOME Social Worker the beginning of September. We have to have a payment of $2,400.00 ready before our first visit can take place. That, my friends, is where the snag lies!

It's not so much the overall cost of the adoption but the shortened time frame that makes paying the fees difficult. There just isn't as much time to save money. We just paid our initial fees to the tune of $1750.00 last week and less than one month is a SHORT time to come up with the funds necessary for the Home Study. I am also aware that God's timing is PERFECT and that just because this adoption could happen faster if the funds were available doesn't mean that God's provision will be late if it doesn't happen to arrive before we'd like it to. He's been waaaay too faithful to our family for far too long now for us to doubt Him. And, at least I can say that I have learned some patience with the last adoption because I am at peace with the possibility of having to wait through this second one. Praise Jesus!!!

I will say, though, that we have a major sense of urgency right now and this time it is totally different. It's NOT about us and our personal time lines or preferences. It's about A* and his need for the best medical care he can receive, for the love of a father and mother to help strengthen him for his health battles, for kisses and hugs to help soothe his aches and pains. It's about preventing opportunistic infections. It's about proper nutrition being a key to helping his immune system fight tough. It's about so much more than just our desires to have him home with us for the sake of being with him. (Don't get me wrong, we DO want that too.)

The deal is that we cannot do any fundraising before our Home Study is completed. Just Love Coffees isn't up and running until October and we can't receive grants or other funds without a complete Home Study. So, it's us and the LORD all the way baby!

I am fully confident that the LORD will provide! He called us to this and even though the timing seems impossible (for us) I KNOW the Lord is ABLE!!! He's more than able and I trust Him fully. Won't you please join us in petitioning before His Holy throne for miraculous provision for sweet little A*? Please pray that our eyes are opened to the path that God would have us take in raising, saving, scrimping, slaving for money for this adoption. Pray also that Dustin and I would be diligent in holding up our end of the bargain with the Lord and be responsible with the opportunities to Lord presents us with.

Dustin and I will do whatever it takes to give this boy a forever family! If the Lord presented an opportunity to scrub toilets with my personal toothbrush to earn extra cash for this adoption, I would. Seriously, I would. I'd dye my hair purple if someone with a bunch of $$ wanted me to.

We're. That. Serious. About. Bringing. A*. Home.

Coming Fall 2009

Some of you may have noticed a new widget on the right of my blog. Just Love Coffees in launching in the fall. Dustin and I plan to participate in a coffee fundraiser.

Everyone loves coffee and every coffee lover has to buy their coffee somewhere. Just Love Coffees marries high quality fair trade coffee with adoption fundraising for a match made in heaven. So if you buy it from them you can get the best of both worlds. Our family will have a store front where you can order coffee online. $5 of every bag purchased will go straight toward our adoption expenses! So, you'll get awesome, fair trade coffee and we'll get help w/ our adoption costs. Sweet deal!

Stay tuned for more to come....

Round Two

We just received word today that we have been accepted back into AWAA's Ethiopia program for a second adoption. This time we are looking for an older male child (2-5 years) with special needs. This would include a child who is HIV+.

(Not that you couldn't tell from the tone of my last posts :-)

We are VERY excited about our second adoption. Of course the second time around we've learned how to temper our excitement with realistic expectations. We expect this second adoption could take another year and a half to two years to complete.

6 Months

I have so much to tell you regarding our attachment in this family as we near our six month post placement anniversary. And, it's all WONDERFUL. I've said it before that families tell us there are remarkable changes in attachment at the 3 and 6 month markers but silly ole me I've still been surprised when it happened to us.

For a couple for weeks now I've noticed a greater level of interaction between myself and Jonas. I'm not sure when it happened but I've begun to thoroughly enjoy my son. Now, that might sound strange and I'd like to clarify. In the first few months with him it was, for me, about expressing unconditional love despite some rejection on Jonas' part. Things then transitioned into Jonas trusting me to meet his needs and now, sweetest of all, I can tell I'm becoming momma in his eyes! Even strangers are able to make the connection that I'm his mother and not just the babysitter by our interactions lately. Just a few short months ago I couldn't envision us getting to this place within a few years time. But here we are today, by God's grace, a thriving, loving, ATTACHING family.

Jonas still prefers to have daddy hold him whenever given the choice but I'm a very close second and am perfectly content with that place. It's sweet for me to observe the intricacies of the budding daddy/son relationship as it is obviously unique compared to the three daddy/daughter relationships in our family. I tease Dustin that my intention in getting a son was to turn him into a momma's boy being that he had long enjoyed the limelight of three devoted daughters but now that wasn't enough, he went and stole my boy away too. Truly, I feel so blessed to have the father of my children be their hero! God gave me all I ever imagined and MORE in Dustin as the father of our children.

Looking back I don't think I can ever understate how terribly frightening and stressful the transition into our home was for Jonas. While I KNEW it was stressful it's only in hindsight, with the knowledge of his true personality, that I can see how much the stress altered him during that time. Everyday new aspects of our son's personality emerge as he settles into his place in the family. What wonderful joys these discoveries have brought!

Jonas is sensitive, intuitive, affectionate, inquisitive, determined, and able to hang tough with his big sisters. Lately Jo wants to be wherever they are and he's not content just to watch. He wants to be in the middle of the action. Our son has an independent spirit (which I've known from the start) which keeps him interested in learning new skills. Jonas sure does enjoy cheers from his entourage whenever he performs a new trick. Just the other day the wild child climbed on top of a bench at the girls' school table. There he stood (with less than 24 hours under his belt of being able to stand steadily upright and take not more than 5 steps in a row before falling over) teetering back and forth, clapping and cheering as if to show his sisters the way to do his deed justice. Of course this only endeared the act to them more and produced rave reviews of his exploits. (If they don't stop encouraging him I can easily see them leading him to pursue a career as the youngest stunt man in recorded history...... a la Red Bull or something)

In everything we are so proud of the girls as well. They have shown remarkable resilience. They never begrudged Jonas the extra time he needed to spend with us and showed themselves to be extremely patient. It's safe to say they are enthralled with their brother. They dote on him and completely drive him nuts with their constant hugs and kisses. All three enjoy playing with him and helping to care for him. None of the children have expressed discomfort with the changes that have occurred in our family. I believe the long adoption process really afforded them time enough to prepare. They don't notice the extra long stares or double takes in public yet and probably won't for some time though I'm confident they will be able to navigate through those things quickly.

So often these days I think of Jonas' birth mom. It's almost as if, somewhere deep in my soul, I'm desiring to turn to her as if she were with us in that moment and say to her "look what our boy did! He's remarkable!!" I think I long to share these milestones with her. Often I want to live up to the standard I imagine she'd expect. I know she'd be happy to see Jonas enjoying life the way he does daily.

Adoption and the Three F's

There are a few questions I get asked often. No matter how people phrase their inquiries, the essence of what they usually want to know about adoption, especially HIV+ adoption, are three basic things.

I'm about to uncover my answers to people's three biggest adoption questions, but first, did you know that?:

Statistics from 2005 state that over one-third of Americans had considered adoption but no more than 2 percent of Americans actually adopted.

With so many people considering adoptions in the US it's a wonder the numbers of adoptive families aren't higher. I mean, two percent? That's it?

I've looked high and low but it seems the 2005 figures are the most current ones available. Even if the number of families adopting in the US doubled things would still look pretty bleak compared to the 147 million orphans world-wide. The reality is that few people ever move from the 'thinking about it' stage to the blessing that is the reality of adoption.

Adoption isn't the answer to systemic change and the prevention of children being orphaned but it is a very real answer for children in need of parents NOW.

My friends and I wondered at the large numbers of people who had considered adoption and were curious what was happening to prevent them from actually adopting. We began listening closely to the questions and concerns about adoption expressed by people around us. In response, we have come up with a theory that there are three places people tend to stop and ask questions at. We call these points the Three F's. They are Faith, Fear, and Finances. It's our experience that if the Three F's can't be addressed with a satisfactory answer when they arise families tend not to pursue adoption further.

While the Three F's don't always come up in the order they are presented here, I believe all three come up for every Christian family who is considering adoption at some point or another along the journey.

Faith

God loves orphans AND He loves adoption.

You may be surprised to hear that. Maybe your eyes weren't looking for all the references to adoption in the Bible before. Now they might.

If the idea that God loves adoption is new to you the book of Ephesians is a good place to begin. For more study John Piper has some amazing online articles about the topic of adoption and God's design. (you can watch a quick video here)

Faith, for Christians, should play a huge role in orphan care and adoption. I'm not saying every Christian family has to adopt but I think the Bible makes VERY clear we have a responsibility to help orphans in need. To be blunt, I think the Church today needs to be challenged on a deep level about the nonchalant attitude it's taking in light of the orphan crisis around the world. Largely, Christians are ignoring the SERIOUS call to care for widows and orphans.

I love the challenge Francis Chan, pastor of Cornerstone Church, issues in his message Who's the Cult (4/19/09). Francis talks about "one anothers" found in the Bible and whether or not our North American churches are behaving in a manner that is consistent with the Scriptures.

As a Christ follower it's clear from the Bible that the sufferings of others should not only constitute an emergency for the organized Church, they should constitute a personal emergency for me as well. I should be willing to ask hard questions of myself in order to ascertain whether or not I'm willing to give up even just a few earthly comforts to ease the sufferings of others.

We Christians love to cluck our tongues at atrocities like child prostitution or slavery, teen crime and drug use, but the truth is that if more of us would step up to care for those youths many of their lives would be redeemed from such horrors. Like I said, Christians should be willing, in light of all Jesus Christ has done for us, to sacrifice in order to ease the suffering of others.

Notice I said suffering. That's not even mentioning intense suffering. I call a child being without parents, without the covering of having their needs met with love and attention, INTENSE suffering.

If the plight of orphans doesn't constitute an emergency for those of us who call ourselves Christ followers what does!? If Christians believe that adoption is God's redemptive plan for children who have been abused, abandoned, neglected or orphaned then why aren't we acting like it? If we have a sense of gratitude for our own adoption into the family of God why isn't it showing in the DNA makeup of our families? Haven't we taken enough notes from the Master Gardener? Isn't it time to graft in some branches desperate for a family?

Sometimes I think the truth is we only kinda believe we can be God's answer to the orphan's prayers. It's almost as if we know it's a good thing but we're unsure if it would be a good thing for us. It's as if many of us are waiting for that lightning bolt to strike us just so we can be sure we've got what it takes.

The deal is: A thing like adoption requires a certain measure of leaping faith. The good news is the Lord is there to catch you! Always. And, when all else fails I like to borrow this prayer from a very wise man.

So here you are. You feel a spark of compassion rise up, maybe do an Internet search or attend an informational event because you care. You want to know more. At least a little. Whatever you do DON'T put this issue on the back burner. Unfortunately, embers often grow cold on the back burner.

I know this because I did the whole back burner thing. Thankfully the Lord got my attention loud and clear. If he hadn't I would still be missing TWO OF MY CHILDREN. What!? It's crazy to think about; life without two of MY KIDS? Oh, I shudder!.... So, let's not have you do that.

Fan those embers and let's see what happens next, because following right behind faith's knock on the door is our second "F".

Fear

Fear is to faith like kryptonite is to Super Man. Most Christians believe on a fundamental level that adoption is right. They just have a hard time coming to the conclusion that's it's right for them in light of a lot of their fears.

Education is key. Like, REALLY key. Because, everything is just that much scarier when combined with mystery (or ignorance).

My challenge to anyone out there who has really considered adoption before but stopped because they ran into a thick brick wall of fear is to charge straight ahead and see what answers you can get for those fearful "what ifs".

Fear of the unknowns surrounding adoption is common. The first and easiest fear to overcome is the weirdness people feel about not knowing anyone who has adopted or was adopted. People who haven't been exposed to adoption before tend to think of it as some really exotic way to live.

Given the chance most people would like to know more about adoptive families, but many don't have people they feel comfortable enough to take their adoption questions to. People just beginning to investigate adoption may be afraid to reach out to agencies for fear of being forced into a commitment they are not ready to make. This is where families in the adoptive community, especially those in churches, have an awesome opportunity to reach out. And, the deal is MOST adoptive families are only too happy to share their experiences.

I'll issue a warning here if you're one of those people who just wants to see what life is like for adoptive families but you're not what you'd call "that close" with an adoptive family: You've got to take the first step. Seriously, Just ask! Adoptive parents aren't mind readers, so you'll have to swallow that lump in your throat and go ahead, put it out there. You might need to say, "Hi, you barely know me, but I know you. Um... don't worry, I'm not a stalker or anything, but, like.... (giggle) funny, I said stalker. Again, I'm NOT. But I digress; listen, we're interested in adoption but we don't know any other adoptive families. Would it be okay if I called you sometime or maybe even met up with you to buy you some coffee and learn about your adoption experience?"

You might be surprised to learn how easy it is to make friends with adoptive families. Adoptive parents - or "APs" as I call them - know that folks just want to see and understand how things work. They know you need someone who you can ask questions of. APs understand people need to see real-life families doing their "thing" so they can get an idea of how family happens through adoption. APs "get it" when it comes to this stuff; mostly because they've been in your shoes.

A little known secret about APs is this: They're not faith giants. Nope, they're totally normal. They started out with fears all their own, but pressed past to take the plunge by God's grace.

Yes, every AP was once a PAP.

What's that? A PAP is Perspective Adoptive Parent.

I don't know of a single adoptive family who wasn't first inspired as perspective adopters by another adoptive family.

Or, haven't you noticed? Adoptions are contagious.

That's because when PAPs get around APs they realize adoption very much works. And, they get to meet the AMAZING blessings that are adopted children. So then, the PAPs want in on that action too. They see how much love happens in adoptive families and want to join in at every level.

I'm telling you; buddie yourself up to some APs and see if you don't catch the adoption bug. I dare you.

Talking with APs will also give perspective adopters a better understanding of the adoption process. Personally speaking, Dustin and I had such a distaste for what we thought would be a grueling home study process. We wondered if our previous parenting might be called into question. We feared that we could be judged harshly and that somehow we wouldn't make the grade. When we were able to speak with families who had completed the home study process we learned we had nothing to fear. Through online support groups our puffed up image of the dreadfully daunting task of completing our dossier was deflated. We drew from the experience of families who had gone before us and gained much confidence from their encouraging words.

If after digging you find that there simply are no adoptive families in your area never under-estimate the power of the good old world-wide web. That's how I met some of my closet friends; who happen to be adoptive families. There are countless blogs, websites, discussion boards, yahoo groups, etc., where you can link up with adoptive families and ask all the questions you can think of (and then some.) All this from the comfort of your home. You can totally find out about how awesome adoption is in your underwear, dude. I mean really!? What's better than that?

Lastly, but most importantly, people fear the biggies like attachment, special needs, and behavioural disorders. I haven't the time or the space to preach you the sermon I've prepared about how important it is for PAPs to realize that adoption is different and therefore prepare accordingly.

Okay, I said DIFFERENT, not bad. There are different challenges associated with adoption which yield different and wonderful rewards.

All adoptions come out of a MIND BLOWINGLY MASSIVE amount of loss and pain for a child (and their first family for that matter.) If you are seriously going to break through your fear related to topics like grief and loss you need to become educated about them. No wound can be healed without first being acknowledged. It is the duty of an adoptive parent to completely acknowledge the wounds their adopted child sustains. How can you know you're up to that task if you don't learn about the job at hand first? You might find you were made for this kind of parenting!

It's not just grief and loss you need to study. You'll need to understand attachment and bonding and how loving parent/child relationships are formed. You'll need to know how families work with therapists to help children who have been wounded deeply by a lack of proper attachment.

Perhaps the person you need to understand the most if yourself. Do you truly know what your fears are? Can you articulate them clearly to yourself? Have you searched the Scriptures and prayers to see what God would say to you about your fears? Are you willing to love unconditionally and with a motive that seeks the best intrest of your adopted child? Do you believe God can work in you to build the characteristics of a good adoptive parent? Have you given Him the space to do so?

If you would commit to invest just 10 hours reading, researching, and praying I'm willing to wager my first-born (NO not really!) that your fears will be lessened greatly. At that point, with fear no longer driving your decision, you'll be able to rationally and accurately assess whether or not you are a good fit for adoptive parenting.

If the answer is no, you'll no longer have to wonder. You'll never again have to say , "I've thought about adoption, but........ (and give a really lame excuse without ever really having put in the leg work to find out if it truly was right for you) You'll just know. And, knowledge is power.

Finances

Let's be honest. Money is a biggie. It's usually the first thing I hear out of people's mouths when they tell me why they haven't gotten serious about adoption. It isn't cheap but adoption is not impossible by any means.

Many people are surprised to learn there are a ton of organizations out there which provide grants and zero interest or low interest loans to adopting families. Some agencies have funds set up for family and friends of adopters to make tax deductible donations towards fees. Such a fund covered HALF of our adoption costs. America World Adoption Association (our agency) has a great list with links to some such organizations.

It is here that I really want to inject a personal story. Dustin and I felt the deep conviction that God was calling us to adopt the day after we wrote a check that could have paid for our adoption in full, twice. You read that right. And you might be asking a question similar to the one we asked ourselves at the time, "Why, Lord?"

You've heard it said that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills? But have you experienced God orchestrate the distribution of His wealth so that your family can include a child that would otherwise have no home, no parents, and no place to belong?

My family has. Twice.

God's answer to our financial concerns was made clear by His provision over the course of our adoptions. I can confidently tell you that God loves adoption and WILL move heaven and earth to bring His children home. Had I not experienced it myself I might never have believed it but - amazingly enough - ours is not a unique situation. Not by a long shot!

We have come to know so many families who have stepped out to adopt long before they knew the details of how the Lord would accomplish the work. Guess what? I don't know of a single family who sent in their application to an agency seriously intent upon adopting as a way to honor God that has ever failed to receive the provision necessary to bring their child/ren home.

God is not a liar when He says He desires that we care for orphans. He makes it possible for us to obey. Period.

The Three "F's" Challenge:

So here it is. The rubber shall be meeting up with the road, friend. I can't very well talk about the types of questions I get asked often without providing at least some of the answers.

As the saying goes, there's no such thing as a free lunch. I'll give you your answers but I want to challenge you in return. I'd really like you to commit the ten hours I talked about above. Just ten hours of your life for praying, reading, and educating yourself about adoption.

I'm going to make it SOOOO easy for you. Get out your library card because I've made a handy-dandy reading list for you.

Red Letters: Living a Faith That Bleeds- by Tom Davis

Adopted For Life- by Russell D Moore

Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew- Sherrie Eldridge

The Adoption Resource Book- Lois Gilman

Attaching in Adoption- Deborah D Gray

The Connected Child- Karyn Purvis

I'm also volunteering myself and the other authors of this blog to answer any questions you want to ask about our families and our adoption experiences. I'm serious. Ask away.

That takes care of Fear and Finances. The Faith part is between you and Jesus. Here are a few conversations starters:

James 1:22-27

James 2:14-26

Romans 8:14-16 (Amplified)

Matthew 28:19-20

Psalm 50:10

Psalm 24:1

Ephesians 1:4-6 (Amplified)

Matthew 17:20

Zephaniah 3:17

And, if you're taking the challenge shoot me an email or leave a comment. Let me know how well the Three F's addressed your concerns. If you have any additional questions don't hesitate to ask me!

*Published 4/2009, Updated 4/2010