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Saturday, March 31, 2007

Hurry up and wait!

I am pregnant. Those of you reading this blog have the inside scoop (aside from my bible study women and a select group of friends.) "Yeah," you might say and ordinarily I would agree with you but this time it's different..... much harder. I don't know if any of my other posts mention the miscarriage Dustin and I had late December. If not, I guessing you can pretty much get up to speed on why, this time, things feel more difficult.

What am I trying to write here.....hmmmm...... hang in there with me there is a point in here somewhere!!

The deal is, there seems to be no guarantee this time. No comfort or assurance that the same thing isn't going to happen once again. In fact some evidence suggests that I could be heading down the miscarriage road once again. I find myself in a position I remember so vividly from my experiences in December. I am in a holding pattern. And you know what? I think it is on purpose.That's right. I think God has me here for a reason. I am circling the airport just waiting for a go ahead for landing and I am not getting an answer from the Control tower.

This whole idea of guarantees is something I have wrestled with the Lord over before. I specifically remember Him talking to me about the intentional instability of this life. It's not that He isn't reliable but the we are. If we always knew the outcome what would we need Him for?

Now, I have assurance that the Controller is listening as I petition. You can be sure I am trying to be as annoying as possible, as far as I am able. I trust that He has my best interests at heart, and that if I don't know what's about to happen it is for His good reason. But that does NOT make the wait any easier! You see I feel vulnerable up here. I know my limits (or at least I think I do) and the fuel tank is getting low! All sorts of comfort alarms are sounding off and everyone who's taking this ride along with me is beginning to notice (you can read that to mainly mean Dustin!!!) I seem more than a little out of control! In fact some people are lookin' at me wondering if the whole thing isn't about to tear apart mid-air. Honestly, I am wondering too. I feel like I am about to rip at the seams.

I may not have a complete understanding of the intricacies of the LORD's good plan but He does keep recalling one thing back to my mind over and over again. I am not the brightest girl, but I can figure out that maybe He's trying to get my attention here, and that there's probably something worth listening to if I can stop freaking out for a moment and actually pay attention. So let me just repeat for my own sake what keeps flying past the cockpit window as I am circling for descent.

Death, destruction, and peril are lurching behind every corner in this life, and the enemy of my soul want to have at me and would have if not for one very important detail. It is the One who stands between me and my enemies. Because the One Who Sees is faithful, and I am safe. No matter what the outcome will look like this side of heaven I trust in the larger victory.

I need reassurance like this when it's time to lay the things I care about most on the altar before the Lord. This is the most like an Abraham and Isaac on mount Moriah moment I think I'll ever get close to (I SURE HOPE SO!!) It's hard not to want to take a thing back that you had previously offered up. It's hard to keep bringing myself back to the throne of mercy when I am not feeling the love so much at this moment, but (and this is a BIG one) I am committed to trusting the Lord come hell on Earth or high water!!!

Are you waiting too? Been circling lately yourself? Let's just wait together. Let's just be confident in our Deliverer. Like the watchman at the gates let's wait patiently for our Lord's return(God knows I am really struggling to learn that patience!) I am pretty sure that we will find that He was well worth the wait!