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I wanted to draw people's attention to a series on parenting children from "hard places" from Family Life Today Radio.
The program guest is Dr. Karyn Purvis- a renowned author in the field of attachment. Listening is worth your time!
Children From Hard Places - FamilyLife.com
If you are a perspective adoptive parent DON'T MISS THIS SERIES!
A victory has been won (at least for one year anyway) on the front of the financing adoptions war.
Everyone knows that, unfortunately, adoption costs a lot of money. Adoptive Parents often battle with their budgets to make way for their beloved children.
Our government offers an Adoption Tax Credit as an incentive for families to adopt. That tax credit was in danger of disappearing.
Now, President Obama has extended the Adoption Tax Credit for another year. To which we cheer Hooray!
You can read about how the adoption tax credits have been extended for one year HERE
Oh my goodness I cannot believe I've never posted on the topic of adoption language! Being a person who is constantly thinking of ways to better express myself, the idea of expressing adoption in a positive light is near and dear to my heart.
You may or may not have heard the term "positive adoption language" or PAL but it's likely you are already familiar with some of the language.
Positive Adoption Language is a term used to define a set of words or phrases that is, by and large, accepted by the adoption community. (Though PAL is NOT without its staunch opponents here in the US) These terms are generally considered appropriate for use when speaking about adoption, and are those most often in use today.
PAL is defined by a desire to give the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity surrounding the process of adoption. It is also intended to affirm people who have been adopted and empower them.
Some people have dismissed the importance of intentional adoption language as being "too PC."
Don't get me wrong, this is SO NOT about being concerned about offending people who are easily offended; I'm not into being politically correct. I am into being conscious of my words and their usage in order to express clearly, in the most respectful and positively truthful light, the adoption experience, as far as I am able.
Words matter. They matter to the people who are trying to learn about adoption. They matter to the first parents who are not raising their children. They matter in portraying accurately what adoptive families are all about. And, most especially, they matter to the children and adults who have been adopted.
I don't think there will ever be a time when I can sit back and say I'd don't need to take inventory of my use of language in describing adoption. I'm not perfect. I am going to blow it and will require grace. But I also know my heart intends to honor everyone involved here.
I'm constantly looking for ways to express myself better. I strive to be diligent in trying to view things more from Jonas and A*'s perspective. I ask myself how they might feel about the different things I say, and how I can improve.
Here are a few links about PAL (positive adoption language):
First, in the interest of educating families about what the resistance to PAL looks like I thought I'd add this link for your consideration. The opposition has their own set of words/phrases which they call Respectful Adoption Language or RAL. A simple google search will turn up many more blogs and articles on the topic if you're interested. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/3208/respectful_adoption_language.html?cat=9
A list of positive vs. negative words according to the PAL philosophy of language: http://www.adoptlink.com/language.htm
A more in depth article explaining PALs intention:
http://www.perspectivespress.com/pjpal.html
In the evolution of my own speech I have come to call what many would recognize as Jonas' "birth mother" his first mother. I believe this more accurately describes who she is. I believe it places her positionally first in the timeline of his life, which is accurate, and also gives him freedom to place her first in his heart as well. It's my attempt to acknowledge the great loss of her in his life. I don't feel this title diminishes myself in any way. Calling her first is something I'm totally comfortable with. I am committed to never feeling threatened by Jonas' love for her in any way. Later, when Jonas is older he can refer to me and his first mother how ever he chooses, but for now this is the way I choose to represent her before him.
I, personally, have grown uncomfortable with the term "bio kids" or "biological children". It may just be me, but, last I checked my son who was adopted is biological too. I simply prefer to take the extra second and a half to state it this way, "My children who were birthed and my children who were adopted."
I always state adoption in the past tense since it was a one time event. It's over now. My son who WAS adopted has been adopted, now the adoption is OVER. He's simply my son.
I also strongly dislike when people still refer to our son as an orphan. He is no longer an orphan. The term orphan in Jonas' case was a legal term which is now obsolete. It signified that his mother had chosen to legally terminate her parental rights thus requiring new legal parents for him, which we became. She cared for his needs by taking steps to ensure he could have new legal guardians and parents who would lovingly raise him and provide for him.
I am sure than when A* comes home it will be a different, and at times trying, experience as we navigate a new set of circumstances and how to communicate those to A* and others around us.
In A*'s case neither of his first parents chose to initiate adoption because they were both dead. Another family member made that decision for them. Events necessitated a new set of parents step in and raise A*. We are honored and proud to be able to be those parents.
For anyone who says adoption isn't messy they're crazy! It is messy. But it has it's benefits and its blessings too.
Then again, life is MESSY. There's no avoiding it.
What are your thoughts on the whole PAL vs. RAL debate? Any pet peeve phrases driving you nuts lately? Have you noticed your language evolving as well? Share your thought please! I'd love to know.
My friend Alisha took the time to compile a list of International Adoption Doctors (IADs)recommended by other Adoptive Parents (APs). I couldn't pass up the opportunity to direct some people who might benefit from her research to her blog.
If you are looking into IADs this will be a great resource for you. When you're there leave her a comment and let her know if you found it helpful. Tell her Jen says "hi".
Hello friends,
I thought I'd hop on to tell you that I've spent some time compiling a booklist resource for adoptive parents and perspective adoptive parents. It is divided by topics such as Domestic/Foster, International, Adoptee Perspective, Special Needs, etc. It is by no means exhaustive but it contains the most popular titles among adoptive families for every category.
If anyone would like it just shoot me an email or leave a comment here and I'll send you the PDF.
If you know of a title that should be on the list please leave a comment here. Thanks!
I came across this checklist which details questions that are helpful for parents to ask the caregivers who worked with their adopted child in the orphanage. Since international APs can't assess whether or not their child has delays in his native language it is highly beneficial they utilize the help of those who know their child. Especially since a child's development in their native language can be a good indicator of how well he'll do learning a second language.
We didn't have to worry much about language with Jonas. I had expected and planned for speech delays but, turns out, the boy is a chatter box and naturally seems to be a more verbal person. (Especially for a boy; which is great because he's just another loudmouth in a family full of 'em.) Jo is caught up with his peers in terms of his vocabulary. His speech becomes more and more clear every day. Every indication is that he will continue on this path making strong gains into the future.
I am now turning my sights on what life will be like when A* arrives home. I've got a lot more research to do. For now I thought I'd share the helpful article I stumbled across.
I believe I've mentioned here before that I'm working on picture cue cards for A*. It is my hope the pictures will be helpful for him as he learns his new routine with us. I'll definitely post here once we get to try them and let you know if I found them helpful or not.
Heidi Weimer has a way with words! Her POST on expanding our children's capacity to love by pushing the boundaries of their comfort zone is a great reminder that when we step out in faith to serve the LORD we can't lose!
I love the the title of the documentary being made about this special family: We Have Room. Those words are so inspired to me! It can sometimes be tough to make the room in our hearts and our lives for orphaned children but once the work is done it's such a JOY to sit back and see what God will do to fill the spaces we've cleared for Him
Promo for "We Have Room" Documentary from David Watson on Vimeo.
Positively Adopted is a wonderfully informative website. Check it out.
And THIS is an awesome video about two adoptive families with HIV+ kids.
This is a brief video which discusses risks of transmission within a household
But you still need to know this important basic information. It's HIV 101
Dustin and I have followed this series off and on (mostly off) but tonight's episode drew us in and wouldn't let us go. MTV's 16 & Pregnant featured a young couple that was very much in love with each other. The two of them made a gut wrenching decision to relinquish their daughter for adoption against the wishes of their parents. Watch the episode. I thought that it was a thorough, unbiased portrayal. Kudos MTV.
Here are some blogs related to HIV+ and AIDS orphan care, adoption and advocacy.
Advocating for Orphans with HIV
Full House, Full Hands, Full Hearts
Positive Families
HIV Child
Children With AIDS Project
God Given Passions (My Bloggy friend Audrey!)
I've mentioned briefly that our Home Team is working our way through the book Fields of the Fatherless . I can't recommend this book enough for a small study group. It has questions in the back and video from Tom to help direct discussions.
As we branch out to sources other than the book one member of our Home Team, Mark who happens to also work for a fabulous organization called *World Orphans , directed us to this video from Rick Warren. I though I would share it here as well.
World Orphans has an article titled The Mega Issue on their website that I recommend reading as well. I just LOVE everything about World Orphan's website. It is rich in information. But it's the haunting music of the home page that draws me in. It creates an unsettled feeling in my heart just as should be there when I consider the plight of helpless children around the world and how to help)
I feel a personal duty to become as educated as I can become on all aspects of adoption. For Jonas, for Jonas' first mom, for our other children and extended family, for those around us who might consider adoption as a means of expanding their family, and for members of society around us who have not yet been touched by adoption.
I do not necessarily endorse or subscribe to the ideas represented in the following links but provide them for others who might be interested in exploring new perspectives.
Domestic Adoption
Concerned United Birthparents: http://www.cubirthparents.org/page9.html
Bastard Nation: http://www.bastards.org/documents/bb.html
American Adoption Congress: http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/
Adult Adoptee Blogs
Twice The Rice (Transcultural Adoptee): http://twicetherice.wordpress.com/
Neither Here Nor There: http://peachneitherherenorthere.blogspot.com/
Harlow's Monkey (Adoptee and Adoption Professional): http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2007/11/relative-choice.html
Diversity Related:
Anti-Racist Parent Blog: http://www.antiracistparent.com/
Anybody have some websites or blogs with a perspective worth considering ? Leave a comment below.
I'll admit I'm digging deep through Scriptures to investigate all the Spiritual implications of adoption. Adoption is very complex and multi faceted (read WAY over my head) and it's no big surprise I'm ill equipped to clearly communicate the vast truths wrapped up in the Bible related to adoption. When I wrote the last post I was addressing my thoughts in relation to the John Piper video and the utter depravity that sin causes in our lives. I do still adhere to the belief that missing the mark of God's perfect holiness does render us unworthy and dirty (as in defiled and unholy) orphans. God cannot reject His own children so all those who fail to accept the grace of God through Jesus Christ cannot be His children or God would be a failure of a father by eternally casting them from His presence. For God to reject those people they must not be his children. Therefore before faith in Jesus we must all be orphans.
A friend E made a great comment to my post which inspired me to do more searching and praying on the other end as well. Because I believe there is also more to our being made in God's image. The part that gets sticky with me in assigning myself worth because I've been created in the image of God is the issue of our requiring absolute and total grace for salvation. I'm not entirely sure where the boundaries fall with regard to that. I will not assign myself value and worth apart from Christ, I know that much. I realize this would be a sticking point for some people. Possibly more so from a person looking for validation and a sense of worth in this world apart from Christ alone. I hold firm to the idea that Christ bestows His value upon us (Just how that happens I've yet to fully come to grips with.) Something we discussed in Home Team that resonated with me was this idea that God owns us twice (found in a message from Wayne Cordero.) That He is our Creator and Father. We belong to Him both ways and have our roots in Him alone.
I came across a post by an adult adoptee at NeitherHereNorThere which was very interesting to me as I strive to view adoption through the eyes of adoptees.
I'd love to hear more feedback from all of you. I realize that here I go opening up a theological can of worms and that convictions will vary and passions will run deep. So if anyone chooses to respond be patient and kind.
As discussions have made their way around me lately about vertical adoption (that's God's adoption of us) versus horizontal adoption (humans adopting humans) I have had an increasing desire to stress some important points.
You see, while I accept and fully believe that God adopted His children as filthy unworthy orphans out of the abundance of His grace for the praise of His glory I am nearly nauseated when I hear discussions simply end there. While the parallel is certainly to be made I often notice a gaping hole where horizontal adoption is concerned. I have lately found that I feel a very urgent need to remind myself and other people that when drawing such comparisons we might easily leave our adopted children feeling dirty, unworthy, and sinful simply because they were once physically orphaned too. And, that is a lie I'm sure we all want our kids (and adult adoptees for that matter) to stay away from. Completely.
It is important to me to acknowledge that in horizontal adoption as in vertical adoption the orphan has very real value because God has deemed them valuable. God has deemed the once orphaned child worthy of love, justice and full rights as an heir through faith and because of Christ's worthiness bestowed upon him. I want to stress to our adopted children that this bestowing of value upon us by God is the ONLY way WE ALL gain value whether we have been raised by biological parents or adoptive parents. I am burdened to hear conversations fall short of acknowledging this truth aloud especially in the context of adoptees listening ears.
As an adoptive mother I need to continually meditate on what it is to have been orphaned myself. Too often I've become uncomfortable at my own willingness to fall into the prideful, delusional trap of taking on some rescuer complex which fails to EXALT ( and I mean HIGH, HIGH above myself) the truth that adoption is God's idea for His orphaned children in this world, not mine. I've failed to soak in the knowledge that unconditional love was authored by a pen dipped in the ink of Jesus Christ's blood, not mine.
I want to make sure I stress all of the parallels in adoption. But, I'd also like to beat to death the point that our adopted children didn't do anything to deserve their orphan status except be born under original sin and that just like every other child born into the world the consequences of original sin made pain and loss a guaranteed experience in this life for them. That is to clearly and often say to them that they did nothing in any way to personally deserve being orphaned on the horizontal plane.
I want our son to hear these things over and over and over again.
My last posts on attachment and bonding have been pretty positive because, well, things overall have been very positive. This post isn't a negative per se. It's more like well rounded :-) While progress is being made every day that's not to say we don't have our share of hurdles to jump and bridges to cross.
I've been keeping some pretty late hours with Jonas recently. It's been trial and error for me to figure out what he wants and what his true needs are. He's back to wanting to comfort eat through the night. He sleeping fitfully and waking up demanding a full tummy even though he will spit up all that food. It's just not good for him. I have come to believe through prayer and observation what Jonas is truly desirous of is deep comfort. Not the kind that comes from food, but the kind that comes from attachment. And I'm working on it. Though, attachment is not something I can say that Jonas feels toward me. Not yet anyway.
He's further ahead in the attachment process with Dustin. That isn't a bad thing. In fact, I am happy about it in many ways. It's so important for him to identify with His father. I am glad to see their special relationship being built. It's a joy to witness. But, it's a twist from my previous parenting experiences. I've always had that instant connection with the girls. I've been the sunshine of their infant lives and, while sure, I had to "work" to meet their needs I never had to work to gain their acceptance. Not in the way I'm working right now.
It's so very hard to explain. And, I wish I could do a better job of it. It's just that Jonas is hurt. As charming and funny, bright and cheerful, playful and resilient as he is there's a darker side there. Nothing freaky or alarming be assured. Only all that is natural from sustaining such deep losses as he has. He wants love and comfort but he's not sure he wants it from me. Sometimes he's more than willing to allow me to bring him comfort and satisfaction and other times he flat out rejects it from me. Like tonight as I was trying to soothe him to sleep, while he was crying he saw a long strand of my hair hanging down. His hand went up to reach for it but it was just outside his grasp. Oooh he kept a reachin' and a reachin' with all his angry might for that hair. It wasn't a 'just let me get a piece of her to love on, any 'ole piece will do' kind of reach he was makin'. No, he wanted to ring my bell and if he could have given a big yank on that strand of hair he would have. What I had to offer just wan't what he wanted. Not because it's me personally. I think it's just humanity.
Oh I could so identify with my son in that moment. How many times have I had a need, a deep seeded need, that could not or would not be fulfilled? Maybe I wanted something more than any human could offer me and refused to go to the Lord for His provision instead. And, because of the anger over not having that need met, how many times have I lashed out to those closest to me? Too many times to count I'm afraid. How many times has my heavenly Father been standing over me offering comfort and love while I struggled to accept it from Him?
A long time ago God spoke something into my heart. He spoke to me about my own personal adoption as His child. As his adopted daughter I need to learn how to function within the family of God. God has always taught me but I haven't always made the choice to accept what He's offered me. It's my choice whether I accept or reject my place in His family. From time to time I may or may not feel like I belong to Him, that He loves me or that His methods of raising me as His own are effective. At times I feel like rejecting the Lord's brand of parenting and other times I do reject his parenting. That doesn't mean I don't still have a place in His home, or that God isn't loving me just the way I actually need to be loved. The problem is sometimes I don't even understand what my needs are. It becomes a battle of the wills at that point. Then, the question begs to be answered: Will I be stubborn and push Him away or will I relax my arched back into the embrace of my Heavenly Father just like I'm asking Jonas to do with me?
Yes, I can identify in some small way with how my son feels because we're not so different, the two of us. My prayer for him is that he will see the loving arms of his Heavenly Father extending to him through my imperfect embrace. I pray that Jonas will learn to accept my love for Him and be comforted by it and that he grow to find security and satisfaction in his place in this family as well as in the House of the Lord.
As far as my prayers for myself, I am so thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing that my God is a loving God and a tenacious Father. If He wasn't so awesome I'd be tempted to feel I could use up all the tenacity and patience He's got. I'm so thankful that can never be the case. I need to learn from my Daddy well so I can follow in His footsteps. I've got a son who's just like me and I'm going to need all the tenacity I can get!
Our agency requires that we read 3 required books and another two each of our own choosing. I had already begun to do my own reading but now I will add to that list all of these. So here's the reading list for anyone who's interested. Amy, you'd be happy to know your suggestion is in there!
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
Are Those Kids Yours? American families with Children Adopted from Other Countires by Cheri Register
the New First Three Years of Life by Burton L. White
The Whole Life Adoption Book: Realistic Advice for Building a Healthy Adoptive Family by Jayne E. Schooler
How it Feels to be Adopted by Jill Krementz
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D Gray
Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent by Lois Ruskai Melina
Books on adoption: $220.00 (so far)
Time spent reading in preparation for adoption: 20+ hours (so far, not including this list!)
Having some sort of clue as to how to parent our adopted son..... priceless!!!
So I had a "to read" pile that was already HUGE but I now have some more pressing reading to do. So here's what my list looks like now.....
Old
Dummies guide to the Crusades
The beginning of Wisdom
Little Women
Revolutionary Generosity
The Reformation (I started this one but who knows when I'll come back to it)
New
I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla
Weaving a Family: Untangling Race and Adoption
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk
Siblings Without Rivalry:How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
The Handbook of International Adoption Medicine
I just spent almost $100.00 on these new books! UGH...... but very worth it!!
