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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

In the Land of Suspension

A little over three months waiting for a referral finished. The time seems to have passed quickly. Mostly because we've had a lot of activities to keep us busy. Some days I just plain get sick of the wait. Today might be one of those days.

I don't particularly know what makes some days easier to bear waiting for our referral. It feels like everything in our life is up in the air, hanging there, in pause. I call it "living in the Land of Suspension" because that's the best I can describe what life feels like. It was either that title or "my whole life feels like everything has been set in a jello mould- completely stuck and not moving except for a jiggle or a wiggle at times." I figured you'd vote for the former.

In the most contradictory of terms our life feels both like it's on hold and like it's moving forward. Wheels are turning, processes are being completed, bureaucracy is functioning and things are happening. All of which we are completely unaware of. (Oh how we long to look in on such affairs!) All we know is that three months are down. We have no way to gauge how much longer we have to go. Many factors could affect our wait. (I've mentioned them before) Everything is up in the air.

All this causes me to get moody sometimes, a little anxious for the ending. Last night as Dustin and I were driving home from running errands he leaned over a bit and spoke into the quietness, "sometimes it feels like we'll never get a referral." I knew exactly what he meant. This waiting is by far the most surreal, intangible part of the process. On this side of THE WAIT there are no answers, details, time frames, or END. We are just in a state of being... oh, and did I mention Waiting!?

As we sat in church last Sunday pastor Greg said that if we found ourselves in God's waiting room we could know that we were being prepared for something. I know that is the truth about our situation. That causes me to find hope. One of the biggest motivators for me during my stay in the Land of Suspension is to soak up and utilize every moment of this preparation. I want to be completely ready for our son. (Well, as ready as the Lord would have me. As much as is humanly possible.)

With all that said, I suddenly sense that sometime in the unforeseen future I will probably call this time of waiting/preparation by another name. Something tells me it will be a much more endearing name. A name that will probably suggest the marvelous things were happening during this time. Things that were far beyond the scope of our imagination or vision. My guess is that this waiting is in reality the invisible foundation of a grand structure being built by the Most High Architect. For that, I can wait a little longer. But, gosh it's HARD!!!


Carpenters said...

I remember being in the land of suspension and it is not fun. On the one hand, I felt like life should go on while we wait, but on the other, I wanted to begin planning for our little ones arrival. It's a hard place to be. I agree with Dustin. There were many days that I felt like we were never going to get a referral. I'm praying for you both in the wait. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but for me, until they were in our arms, it was tough. Hang in there, chica!

With Love,

Amy said...

Hi Be Bold Jen,
My name is Amy... a fellow RLC blogger. I don't think I have commented on your blog yet.. Just saying HELLO! We have a little boy from Ethiopia....he has been home with us for about a year and we plan to start the Ethiopia adoption process again sometime this year. I do recall the waiting, although I won't pretend I can relate to the current family wait times. You have three beautiful girls!

Stacey said...

Jen, I know your heart is heavy as you wait. I just wanted to hug you tight on Sunday as we talked. But I also know you know God has a plan and you're trusting Him to work out the details. I'm sorry it's taking a while but please know I pray about you each day! Hang in there!

The Journey Begins Here said...

Patience is the hardest thing! Our timing is so different than God's timing. I don't understand it, nor do I 'get it' a lot of times. But I know that when your son arrives you will look back on these moments and know what God was preparing you for.

Hang in there, sister!
Love Theresa