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Monday, March 3, 2008

Living Vicariously

It happens every time a family from our agency travels to get their child. I watch their videos full of happiness and excitement. I overflow with joy for them and show the kids what they can expect mom and dad to be doing while we are away. I show them the beautiful nannies of the Transition Home and where 'brother' will stay until we arrive.

It happens right about the time I push away from the computer. My mind races and suddenly I find myself trying to imagine what it will be like when I am standing in their shoes. Only, in my imaginings my son remains faceless for now. It a weird surreal kind of thing. The way a mother's heart will try to connect with her child. The way my heart goes about trying to make sense of an event in my future just too big to comprehend.

When I was physically pregnant I didn't need the picture of the ultrasound to bring home the reality that my child was real and coming soon. I could feel them growing and kicking. I felt continually connected to them. In this paper pregnancy I struggle from day to day to experience the feelings, the reality, that our son will eventually be here. Taking the trip with the other families helps me to connect in some strange way with our boy. I find that I tell myself, "See they are actaully getting their kids, and someday you will too. This wait which feels like eternity really won't last forever. The end is coming. It came for them, it'll come for our family too"

I honestly need that kind reassurance some days. There are weeks when the people around us forget that we are 'pregnant' because there is no visual reminder. It's hard, even, for some of the extended members of our family to feel connected to the reality of it all. That's why I am so thankful to have my blog. I can write and obsess all I want and not wear out the people around me. If they don't ask I don't have to take it personally. I can come here and rant endlessly about the adoption to you all and if you get sick of me you can simply click away to some other, less obnoxious, more entertaining blog. Everybody's happy. It works.


Watching the videos and reading the details of the trips help me to visualize where he will be when it's our turn. I am growing more acquainted with Addis Ababa believe it or not. I hope things will be somewhat less shocking and all brand new when we travel because of the blogs I've followed before hand. I have learned a bit about what the people and environment around us will look like. I am familiar with the Hilton where we will stay, and I've read all the reviews of the local restaurants. haha. Any little detail which gives me a sense of familiarity helps me feel a bit more grounded and less like I am living a fantasy of adoption. That this waiting will really end with our homecoming. (God please let our homecoming come swiftly... but as in all things, only in Your timing ;)

Today we are 3 days away from the 2 month mark waiting for a referral. The wait gets both easier and harder. Easier because we've not nearly 10 months under our belts here and what's a few more. Harder because every day we are separated from our son feels like an eternity!

So come rejoice with me in the union some families from our agency and share in other's momentous occasions! The Lord is good all the time!

Here are some links to a few of the families who are in ET right now. Some have yet to update us but the Treadwells have some pictures and videos to see:

Treadwell Family

Harpold Family

McIllrath Family

2 comments:

The Journey Begins Here said...

Care for a quick game of tag. Stop by for details. Theresa

Zack & Rebecca Caldwell said...

I feel ya! It is so good to know that we are not alone in this journey. I look forward to meeting you in a few months (hopefully), as I think there is a good shot we will travel together!