What to Post?

I've not been wanting to post about what's truly been going on in my home. Truth is I am still battling illness. While my cousin Christine was here I had to take a trip to the ER again.(I can ASSURE you that I don't have time for this kind of drama in my life and that the LAST place I wanted to go was the ER)

Good news is they discovered an underlying infection I had no idea was raging on inside of me. (hmmmmm Maybe that's why I've felt like total JUNK!) Now that I am taking antibiotics I feel I may have turned a corner. I am praying this undiagnosed infection was the cause on my continued heart palpitations, etc.(that's not just wishful thinking BTW I was told this type of infection, if left unchecked, can cause heart issues) and that once the round of antibiotics is finished the other symptoms I've been dealing with will have disappeared. I am still following up with the cardiologist this week for a cardio treadmill stress test. And of course the fashion faux pas that is this heart monitor is still hanging around my neck for another 2 weeks.

I've never been one to be sick often. Aside from seasonal asthma I've always been a very healthy person. To suddenly have my strength and vibrancy challenged in such a direct way has been difficult to say the least. I want to thrive in my days not merely make it through them. I want to be lively and playful with my kids not lethargic and sedentary. It's been HARD for me. I've been praying and crying and begging and praying some more. I don't pretend to understand the timing of all this or the significance. I've been brought low. Humbled. (but a little humility never hurt anyone, especially me!)

Aside from physical challenges my husband is under immense stress at work. He and I sat on the couch the other night and wondered what the heck we'd done to bring on such an onslaught of terror (okay we were being a little bit overly dramatic). We feel so blessed by the fact that Jonas is adjusting so well and is is truly the only thing which could be classified as "easy" about life right now which is quite the opposite of what we expected. We expected major hurdles. Behavioural challenges and distress on Jonas' part. That's not to say he doesn't have his moments but overall he's just a genuinely open and receptive child. Ready to give and receive love. He is learning to rely on us and is, so far, transitioning beautifully. Miraculously, really. But the rest of life is not without it's bumps. Not that we should be exempt from life's usual challenges but we kinda had a fairly tale land envisioned where our homecoming with Jonas would be the only thing we'd have to focus on for some time. We dreamt that life would be about family quality time, attachment and not much more than that for a few months. But, it was not to be.

So, I've been trying not to write anything that is too complaining or too self pitying (I'm not sure that I succeeded). I've been tempted to roll around in that mire lately but despite my attraction to all that self centered mess I consistently hear the Lord calling me back to a passage He made so alive to me some months ago. Isaiah 58: 6-11. I feel him challenging me to step outside of my own desperate need for healing and restoration and look out into the world with His eyes, to see His children who are suffering alongside me and pray for them. I feel as though by letting go of my constant prayers and petitions for myself and genuinely praying for the needs of others God is asking me to release my health and well being into His hands. It's almost a statement of faith akin to "You got this. And because I trust that you love me and are taking care of me I don't need to obsess over it. Instead I can use my time to prayerfully lift up someone else in need."

This has not easy for me to do. Don't think for a second I am that noble!! I AM SO NOT!

But I'm being really honest when I write you and tell you that I think this is what God is asking of me right now. So far I've been only minimally (we're talking on a microscopic scale) successful. But it's my goal to be completely obedient.

(Okay so I was really tempted to ask for you to pray for me just now but had second thoughts wondering if asking for prayer in that regard would constitute making it all about me once again? hahahah Oh, I am such a mess!)

Anyway. That's the truth about where I really am. right. this. moment.