My blog has moved!

You should be automatically redirected in 2 seconds. If not, visit
and update your bookmarks.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Red Letters Campaign- Dreams and Imaginings

It's been a current theme for those bloggers who belong to our adoption agency to write about the dreams they've had about their child/ren. I have only had two so far. I thought I would share mine with you all.

The first dream I had wasn't only about our child per se. He was definitely the star of the show but he wasn't the leading character in my dream. I don't really know who that role would go to. Let me explain the dream and you decide.........

Dustin and I arrived at the orphanage where our son was and a rush of children came to greet us. My heart began to break for them all and I distinctly remember I wanted for all of them to be going home with parents on this day too, not just our son. Our son was off in the distance and couldn't approach us because of all the kids trying to get a good look at us. My heart was yearning for him, to hold him close.

Racing through my mind the whole time was the question of what to say. How do you introduce yourself to your child -who is, as of yet, a stranger- the love of your life? I wondered how could this child understand and know all that the LORD has placed in my heart for him when I myself don't fully comprehend it? How could I express all this to him in a moment? Should I express all this to him in this moment? Would I overwhelm him? Would I smother him? Should I allow myself to get emotional or would that not be best for my son? What does he need from me the most? Calming stability or a lavish display of affection and emotion? Is it possible to do both at the same time? What would that look like? (as you can see my mind is just as jumbled and crazy in my dreams as it is in real life. I don't know if that should concerned about that or what!)

Apparently my mind couldn't come up with a satisfactory scenario that fit my liking because my dream immediately then skipped ahead in time. (I guess I really still have no clue how "the moment" will happen or how I will react when we first meet our child.) Our son was in our arms and Dustin held on to him while I hugged them both. The Orphanage Director walked forward and instantly I felt we needed to pray over him. He was a featureless man who just was. I can't remember anything physical about his appearance just his being and his presence. Much like the featureless son in our arms only I was more familiar with our son in my dream than with the Director. He felt like a stranger in my dream but our son felt like our son (if that makes any sense at all.) We prayed and prayed and blessed him and his work. I woke up praying feverently for some unknown orphanage and the director and all the children there. I prayed for them as if they actually existed and i knew them all individually yet not personally.

It was surreal. I don't know if it is actually the orphanage our son is at with an actual man or if the dream symbolizes more than the specifics of our situation. Perhaps the Lord used those pictures to call me to prayer for all his faithful serving His children. Whatever His purpose, it was an amazing dream.

My other dream is hard to share. I was sort of half awake and half asleep. I don't remember much other than our son's birth parents were suffering. I was crying and begging the Lord to end the suffering, to keep them alive and let them parent their child. I felt almost like I was stealing our son away, but I knew that they were dying. I was so angry that it had to be this way. It is good for us to adopt, I thought, but even better for the need for adoption to be eradicated all together. I was pleading with the Lord that if there be any other way for them to survive and not lose their child that it be done. It dawned on me just what it would feel like if the tables were turned and I was dying and I knew that my child would be going to a loving mom and dad. I still would not find it as desirable as living and providing for them as their mother. I woke up hysterical. I was praying through many, many, MANY tears for the birth parents and family of our son. I still haven't gotten over the sick feeling I feel at the loss that surrounds adoption for our child and his birth family. I don't know the specifics of our son's circumstances. No matter what our son will experience loss. In some ways I think I was processing how in many ways his loss is our gain. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I guess I haven't had many dreams about the daily life of parenting of our son because I feel confident in that arena. I know what being a mommy feels like and what the practicality of the job description entails. I think that's why I haven't been dreaming of what to do with him once we get him. I have that pretty much planned. I secretly plan to smother the heck out of him by wearing him or carrying him on me constantly and probably giving him more physical contact via hugs and snuggles than he'll be able to bear. I also know that there are 4 other family members who secretly hope to be able to do the same. Hopefully he will indulge us all. If not I/we will back off.

But I hope I won't have to!! (wink, wink)


Stacey said...

Those are some amazing dreams! It reminds me of being pregnant and dreaming of the labor. That is so awesome. I just can't wait to see how it all comes together. You are such a great Mommy and I know you're doing to such a good job with this new little guy in your life!

I'm praying for you guys, Jen!!

Carpenters said...

Your faith shines even while you are sleeping. I can't wait to hear about your actual reunion with you son. What a special moment that will be.