The list grows

So I had a "to read" pile that was already HUGE but I now have some more pressing reading to do. So here's what my list looks like now.....

Old
Dummies guide to the Crusades
The beginning of Wisdom
Little Women
Revolutionary Generosity
The Reformation (I started this one but who knows when I'll come back to it)

New
I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla
Weaving a Family: Untangling Race and Adoption
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk
Siblings Without Rivalry:How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
The Handbook of International Adoption Medicine

I just spent almost $100.00 on these new books! UGH...... but very worth it!!

I wish you could hear me screaming!!!

YEAHHHHH!!! We got it! We got approved!

It came while I was chatting on the phone w/ my friend Brooke F. I walked over to the computer to check me email and there it was! I just about fell on the floor! Brooke heard me scream like a banshee and my kids came running in wondering if I was hurt!

I was all but completely sure we had been denied this morning! Let me tell you this is from the hand of God! We were not sure we would meet all of the requirements but God went ahead and approved us. I believe He told me today "Jen, my answer is Yes! I will provide for you!!"

I will praise You Lord all the days of my life!

Ok, so I see now that patience isn't my strong suit

UGGGGHHH! I do NOT like waiting! I have gotten only a tiny bit better a waiting in my (almost) 28 years on this planet. Still no news from AWAA and it's eating me up. I know deep in my heart it's because there is an issue with our file...... and either the Lord is using this time to build us up and prepare us for the redirection He has in store for us or He's pulling a SUPER HUGE miracle on our behalf and all the pieces are taking time to fall into place. Which ever it is I trust Him... I'd just rather know sooner than later.... but God is sovereign, I will wait for Him!!

In the meanwhile I am sick, the girls are sick, Dustin managed to stay healthy by working AWAY from us but he's got some big stress going on, and just about everyone we know is coming under some sort of spiritual attack at the moment. Well I guess those of us at PVC can know we're doing something right, because the enemy is very unhappy!

Last night D and I shut the TV off real early and just prayed. Man, we had a list so long! Most of you reading this were probably on it! It almost began to become overwhelming! The amount of need around us. God has opened our eyes to see other's struggles not just our own (Thank God for that!!) and the number of people reaching out for Him is huge. Ah but God spoke something so awesome to me. He is able! Yea, He's more than able!

So many of us have stepped out over the ledge of faith. I don't know if you feel like me right now, but my flesh is wiggin'!!!!! It's super uncomfortable in this place of waiting. God is building trust and reliance upon Him. Thank you Jesus! He's calling us towards deeper intimacy (Oh yea I want it!) and He's starving that flesh! He reminds me that He's the deeper purpose of EVERYTHING! It's all intended to direct us to HIM! He is our reward.

Lord rise up! Rise among Your people! Your children call upon You! We want to see Your glory! Our one true desire is to see You glorified!! Amen

Do you see what I did?

Hi again.

Did you see the ticker above? I was scared to put this up...... but I would much rather concentrate on believing than on being afraid. I believe somehow God will make it happen. Even if that ticker ends up reading 5 years, 11 months and 29 days...... I believe it will happen......one day!

I happened upon a fabulous blog while reading threads from the Ethiopia Adopt group I joined. Go check out this post...... I am so glad I stumbled upon it today!

Red Thread Road: Utmost

Where to go?

Pastor Greg delivered a message about this a while ago and it's stuck with me ever since. I am thinking of it today as we are STILL awaiting news as to whether or not our application with AWAA has been approved. In light of the door being closed to El Salvador this has just been on my mind.

Acts 16:6-8: Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas.

Like all of us have probably experienced at one time or another Paul thought he had a good sense of where he was supposed to be heading and found himself being redirected. You gotta love a guy like Paul! I mean he's a take-charge-and-get-things-done kind of dude. I wonder if folks accused Paul of being too eager? I wonder if people thought Paul should take it down a notch and settle in for a bit? Surely it could have been done better....with more preparation and more planning........

I think I am getting a similar sense from some folks around me. They are positive about our decision to adopt and supportive but I feel their eyes narrowing in on me.... especially since by all appearances and admittedly we look like a wreck! Some people want all their questions answered and I wish I had answers to give but I don't. I think Ethiopia is the place to go..... but I may find out otherwise pretty soon.

How are the girls going to handle this? Will the girls be neglected? How will you pay for this? How do you think you can home school and take care of a new child? Why do you feel some insecurities about your application process? Are you sure your motives are the right motives? Is this just desperation because you have miscarried? Are you sure you have the best interest of this child in mind?

My answer: My strength is hugely insufficient for this task. I have NO clue how all these things will be turn out and how in the world the Lord intends to provide.... but I do know that He better or this thing will be a train wreck!!! In short: I have faith God will provide despite not having the answers as to how He will do it!!!!

For me the rubber is hitting the road today! I am again in a holding pattern. Waiting for God to reveal his will over this particular situation. Dustin and I have acted out in obedience doing what we believe we have been called to do. It may be that God wants to make some changes to our itinerary and we welcome that if it be His desire.

I know God knows our hearts..... but a little piece of me can't help but want to justify myself before others who may not be on the same page as us. I guess that's just some of my pride trying to make it's way to the surface. Part of me knows my butt is out on the line here, and I honestly don't want to look like a fool! I am NOT a huge fan of rejection and I have to say I dread the possibility of being rejected by the agency. Even though I know that I know that if it were to happen it would all be part of God's plan! Certainly the last thing I want to do is doubt God's plan!!

It's a wrestling match for me today ladies!!!! Flesh vs. faith!

If God wills it, rely on it!

Romans 8: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse is so important to me. I don't know about you, but I need this verse! Sometimes I tend to bypass such a small sentence when reading scripture and forget that when it comes to God's Word every line, every word has deep meaning and is living breathing truth. Every word is a God breathed gift to us!

Everything that exists is from God. It's all for His purpose. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I begin to operate less like I believe God has everything under His dominion and more like He's an absent minded professor just letting me run wild (and off into a ditch.)

Our God is a God of great purpose. He is NOT ever into wasting time! In fact He's a redeemer of lost time and opportunities! God doesn't know what it means to not accomplish what He wills. Isaiah 55:8-11 If God speaks it we can rely on it being so! If He says that He is able to, and that He wills it, for all things to work for and towards the good of those who love Him, we can take it to the bank.

That obstacle that may be in front of you is NOT what is seems! That thing which might seem to set itself up between you and God is nothing in the hands of our great and mighty God! If it is your sin that has you ensnared, God is your Deliverer. He can redeem any situation in your life and use it to teach you and others. Isaiah 48:17 His desire is to cause that thing which seems irredeemable to bear fruit (and not just a little fruit, but MUCH FRUIT! John 15:8 ) for His glory Genesis 50:20 even such a thing as was intended by another to harm you can be used for good!

I have asked God to open my eyes to His kingdom and His glory. He has begun to show me that nothing in this life can set itself up against Him and His purpose. What a comfort to rely on today!

God Designed Road Blocks

Well, as the title above suggests we have officially run into our first road block to adoption. My asthma.

Can you believe the director in charge of adoption in El Salvador has an unwritten preference for couples who are not on any prescription meds? That what the SW at AWAA told us anyway. My Albuterol inhaler prevents us from being able to adopt from ES. The social worker told me that ES tends to accept Dossiers (adoption paperwork) from couples but will never refer them a child. I was so shocked and utterly disappointed I could have cried.

Dustin reminded me that it's just God's way of redirecting us to His plans. I said from the beginning I was going to trust in God's ability to rope me in. Well, here's a perfect moment to test that faith in His ability to work all these things for our good, and for His glory.

So back to the drawing board. Please pray for God to direct us and clarify which country we should pursue.

Oh My Goodness... what did we get ourselves into!?

hahahaha J/K we're not freaking out that bad! Some thoughts which have been running through my mind as I anxiously await to hear if we have been accepted into the El Salvador program through AWAA:

1) I wonder if my son will resemble every Hispanic boy I see. Wondering what my bundle of joy will look like has me super excited for the day we get the referral with a picture enclosed.

2) Will the social worker think we're a bunch of kooks living in this house!? My guess is yes, but that it won't prevent us from being able to adopt! (I hope so anyway)

3) Like any parent wonders before adding another child to their home... How are our other kids going to feel when the spotlight is turned on our new arrival?

4) I really wish I had payed more attention in Spanish class in High School... now I have to learn from scratch and in a jiffy!!!! Rienne has a pretty good head start on us... maybe I can use her as a translator!?

5) We requested a male child between the age of newborn to 2 years. What will we get? Who knows? We ask ourselves questions like: what if the child is older and has to relearn language all over again.... will that delay him? What if he has a name that will be hard to pronounce? Should we even change the name at all if he is older? What would having a foreign sounding name make him feel like when he's growing up in the US, and in school would he be teased?

The list goes on and on and on......... I guess all of those things are to be dealt with as they come up, but I just wanted to share some of the crazy questions we have floating around in this house.

We have shared our news with all of our parents and they were very positive. They are on board with us, which is a confidence builder.

10 days. That's how long it will take for us to hear the news if we have been accepted or not. I'll keep you posted!

Brooke left a message which touched me heart and made a point which I had already been thinking of. Our son is about to be/has been conceived, or is born already. Please pray for Him and for his care. The hardest part about adoption is knowing that you can't be there during those precious early moments to assure you child of your love for them. I must trust him to God's care and rely on Christ's suffiency for my child. I must release him to God who is the best Father of all, and in the end every parent must do the same.

New News

Well, I was true to my word. I haven't been posting because we have been in SERIOUS prayer over here. After much prayer and many long talks Dustin and I have made a decision to adopt internationally. We sent in the application to the adoption agency late last night.

Can I just say that I was so nervous! I feel terrible for couples who don't have any children before this process. The sheer panic they must feel at the thought of being scrutinized. On the second hand maybe it's better for them. At least they are filled with their ideals. I know I had many quaint ideas about motherhood BEFORE I became a mother!Hahahahahaha. We experienced parents know all the ideals go right out the window when you're 2 year old drops on the floor in the middle of the grocery store to have a tantrum and breaks glass with her shrill scream!!!

We are feeling the heat and the home study hasn't even begun yet! You'd think after having 3 kids we'd feel confident in our parenting ability, but there is something about this process which makes me feel anxious. I guess it's the fact that there proof of how well we're doing in the form of three witnesses. I wonder how much dirt Rienne's gonna dish about me. (Stacey think... "my mom and I are just going in two different directions....")

Thank the Lord we have our dear friends Brooke and Jay to draw from. They are wise in all the ways of adoption/fostering. I should be an exciting ride, but guaranteed to be filled with bumps, twist and turns! We'll keep you posted!

The Good the Gross and the Ugly!

Gross:I really do have a serious post for today but first can I share the most disgusting thing from today!? I went to the dentist for a cleaning. New dentist. Never been before. Simple cleaning. In, out, easy. I sat in my chair as he began the cleaning and as protocol states I began inspecting the ceiling for any distinguishing marks or features to hold my interest during the monotony. I found my little black spot almost immediately without much effort. It was in a little grate above my head which concealed the ductwork and A/C register in the ceiling.

"Wow that's interesting," I thought, "My little distraction spot is moving. What? I think I see... what are those? Antennae? Oh my mother of all disgusting... it's a HUGE ROACH!"

Yes ladies it was and a big boy! I had to sit there for another 30 minutes wondering to myself while my mouth was wide open below my big fella if he could escape from under that grate. He made many a good attempt, but Thank the Lord, he couldn't break free! It was so groos! Needless to say we'll be getting a new dentist!!!

Ugly: I need to have 3 wisdom teeth removed! I am NOT looking forward to that! Can someone say... Procrastination!? I plan on it!!!!

Good: National day of prayer was today and I felt so convicted about my duty to pray for our troops, our nation, and all nations..... consistently! I am reminded that it's the least I can do! Come to think of it, we have orders to pray continually with all kids of prayers and petitions (Eph 6:18). I realize I need to kick it up BIG TIME, and not just for the National Day of Prayer!!! I realize that if I want to share in Christ's love and His vision I can afford to offer up yet more time on my knees.