Driving With Jesus

Driving the speed limit may not be a big deal for you, but for me it's MAJOR. I've had issues in the past with speeding. I'm not crazy wreckless but I would say I have a problem obeying the limit. I NEVER speed in residential areas but if you were to catch me on open road (where I live there are quite a few near farmlands) or a freeway, odds would be that I'd be travelling at least 10 MPH over the speed limit.

For years I had absolutely no conviction about this speeding. I was totally fine with it. I avoided putting a church sticker on my vehicle like the plague so as to not cast a shadow on the church's reputation and went on my merry, obstinate way.

Then, one night a few years ago, the Lord tested me in this.

I was driving home from a women's Bible study and was on the last major street before turning into our neighborhood. The street was under construction and the cones were up with those annoying 25 MPH roadsigns in place of the usual 45 MPH ones.

I had every intention of going much faster than the posted limit, mainly because the road was finished being paved and was only waiting to have the stripes painted on. There were no workers out and no cars oncoming. All was clear. I owned the place, baby.

I was just starting to get up to my comfort speed when the Holy Spirit impressed it upon my heart that I needed to slow down.

I took my foot off the gas and waited for the car to slow. Each notch the speedometer fell exacerbated the feeling that I could get out of the car and crawl faster. For some reason I really felt myself rebelling against going that 25 MPH. Surely 30 was close enough?

You have to know the kind of person I am. I'm a total rule follower by nature. I'm a pretty compliant person. I generally have a ton respect for authority. I am also a person who has a strong moral compass. I clearly understand right from wrong. In fact, I'm often times a person who the Lord will call upon to gently speak truth to others who might have a hard time seeing the difference between right and wrong in various circumstances.

So, I knew at that point that what I was doing in speeding was sin. Holy Spirit was asking me to do something and I was refusing to do it. S-I-N. Period.

The hang up for me now was that cars had come up, seemingly out of nowhere, behind me. They were crowing in together, anxious to have me move faster. I was acutely aware that my obedience would be slowing others down, that they would be inconvenienced by it, that they might even dislike me because of it. (Feel free to analyze away about the deeper significance of those issues)

In response to the peer pressure I sorta half "obeyed" by keeping the pace at 30 MPH. Of course there's no way to be halfway obedient. It's all or nothing.

I failed the test.

As crumby as I felt about failing the test, soon I forgot about it completely. Until, yesterday.

I was driving to meet my sister, my mom, and a beloved friend I've known since I was in high school for the afternoon. I decided to use the 40 minute drive to spend some time worshipping Jesus. I turned up the praise music and began singing my heart out.

I hadn't travelled far down the freeway when I felt the Lord impressing it upon my heart to drive the speed limit. I immediately slowed down. It took work to maintain the speed limit because I'm naturally more comfortable driving faster (It's weird, I know) and things don't "feel right" to me when I go the speed limit. It literally feels to me like I'm inching along.

But, I managed to do well. I even remained at the speed limit when the freeway dropped down to 45 MPH in one section.

That was easy to do because the whole time no one had been driving behind me. For some reason, there had been no traffic behind me the whole way to this point and the traffic in front of my this day had all been traveling the speed limit too. Good thing, because I would have been tempted to keep pace with them had they gone faster.

Thirty five minutes into my drive and I'm almost to my destination. The sky is blue, huge fluffy clouds look like freshly bleached cotton balls, the entire desert is in bloom and the mountains are more colorful than I've seen in years. I'm thanking God and doing the speed limit.

Life doesn't get much better than that.

Until, I saw them.

Traffic cones. And a dreaded 30 MPH signs looming ahead. (Who would makes people drive 30 MPH on a WIDE open freeway? It's torture, I tell you!)

A quick check in the rear view mirror revealed the closest car many miles back from my rear. I took my foot off the gas. It didn't take long for my beastly SUV to make the adjustment. I was just about 5-7 MPH withing the target when I decided to glance in the rear view mirror once again.

Dang if that blue car hadn't caught up with me already. It was just about to approach my tailgating discomfort zone.

If you could have understood what was going on in my mind I'm fairly confident you would have been laughing at me. Picture me gritting my teeth and praying with all my heart, "I can do this! I WILL obey you Jesus.... I'm not going to look in my rear view mirror again. I'm just going to look at the road and the speedometer."

Oh, in that moment a battle was raging! I'm thankful temptation isn't the same as sin. Lord knows I was so tempted to slam my foot on that gas pedal and tear out of there. But then, despite my best efforts, I checked the rear view mirror once more.

What did I see? That blue car had backed off at least 50 feet.

And guess what else? There was a line of about 10 cars pressing hard behind that blue car, willing it to move faster.

Do you know I broke down in tears? I couldn't see them with my eyes, but I'm pretty sure angels were holding that blue car back for me. I was so humbled and full of praises. God knew how much I was struggling and made a way for me to be able to obey.

Two things I'm taking away from this seemingly mundane drive to my lunch date.

1) God is always the impetus for our obedience. We were dead in our sins until He made us alive in Christ. It's His mercy that enables us to obey Him in the first place. If I need help I can call on His grace and mercy anytime, because He's rooting for me. He wants me to obey as much as I want to obey, and will make a way for me. 1 Cor 10:13

2) This event made me consider deeply leaders in the Church. I'm thankful for leaders of our faith who are willing to step out and hold back the waves of opposition for those of us who are weaker and need the help. I think all of us will need the help of another at one time or another in many different ways. I pray that by Jesus name and the Power of the Holy Spirit I can one day be used of God to be that kind of help for another. For now, I'm just thankful someone else stood their ground against the pressure of the masses.

So now that I've shared my story I wonder how many of you out there might have a similar experience? Either struggling with temptation and finding the Lord provided you with a way out, or doing a seemingly mundane task only to find God was waiting there to teach you a major spiritual lesson.... Please share! I'd love to hear.

In closing I'm going to leave you with the most chees-tastic song ever. When my sister and I were kids there were many a Sunday we were treated to our music minister's wife singing an ear piercing falsetto rendition of this song. (The woman used vibrato like an assault weapon, I tell you!)

I was in danger of forgetting about it completely when it came to mind during the writing of this post. Today, I find a new affection for this little gem. (Especially in an octave that doesn't make my ears bleed)

Enjoy! ;-)

Beside The Tracks. Not On Them.

When I was little our family lived near train tracks for a while. I have fond memories of those trains and have written about them before.

Recently, while I was drifting off to sleep I began to imagine standing in the middle of train tracks, just as I had done as a little girl.

After a time a large train rounded a corner and was visibly charging down the railway towards me. The name of the engine was Desire No. 6 and it was pulling boxcars loaded with my Sin.

The train was enormous and the force of it barreling down the tracks made the ground quiver. Each of its clanks against the track sent shocks running up my legs.

It seemed impossible to me that something so massive and heavy laden could travel at such speeds, for each boxcar was engorged by its dreadful contents.

I watched mesmerized as the train swiftly drew closer; my certain death approaching. Destruction made haste by leaps and bounds.

If there had been a moment when I could have escaped the oncoming danger it was past. Suddenly terror was upon me. I was frozen in place with no hope of escape.

Just like in cartoons, the train was personified; howling and sputtering insults and curses. It appeared vicious and furious; lurching forward like a wave ready to wash over me and leave no traces of life behind.

The very next image in my mind was that of a platform at a train station. I didn't see Him do it, but I knew deep in my heart that Jesus had picked me up and instantly removed me from harm's way. I suddenly found myself beside the train and no longer in front of it.

The engine's course would not/could not, be altered. But mine could.

With toes very near the edge of the platform I watched as the enemy engine sped right by, mere inches from the tip of my nose. Following closely behind were innumerable cantankerous clanking boxcars.

Yes, I stood close by that massive enemy, yet at a very safe distance -- a world away, really.

I relished the company of my Savior by my side while, together, we watched the cars roll by, one after another. We stood close enough that the breeze from their passing rustled my hair and my dress.

Some dread of the train still remained for me, for it was very much as odious as always. But what could it do to me now? Jesus reminded me with only a glance and a smile that trains can only follow their tracks. It mattered not how close by I stood, my enemy could no longer touch me.

I watched there a long time.

Even when I had tired of watching the cars continued without number. This was a very long train indeed. It would be some time before the caboose would make it's way through.

I was tired of the racket and longed for the peace of the train's passing. I wondered how much longer we'd have to endure.

Jesus showed me the railway schedule. The time hadn't come yet.

But it would be very soon.

This train has only one destination. It won't be coming back through again.

What's the Point?

I read this article by Albert Mohler and was really intrigued. It wasn't so much Glenn Beck or his inflammatory statements I found interesting. Instead, I saw Mohler expressing a concern which I have been wrestling with lately myself.

It was this statement of his which caught my eye:

"The last century has seen many churches and denominations embrace the social gospel in some form, trading the Gospel of Christ for a liberal vision of social change, revolution, economic liberation, and, yes, social justice. Liberal Protestantism has largely embraced this agenda as its central message."

"The urgency for any faithful Christian is this -- flee any church that for any reason or in any form has abandoned the Gospel of Christ for any other gospel."

There are many people being turned on to the idea of adoption, and I couldn't be happier; but my heart wants to know that the messages they are hearing about what adoption is all about is built on a solid foundation. I want people to understand clearly Who our deeds are pointing to and why we should be doing them.

I have lately been concerned at the recruiting tactics taken by some adoptive families and those who would seek to be "orphan advocates." Sometimes when I listen closely to what people are saying, I walk away with more questions than answers. Usually I find myself asking one thing: "What's the point?" Or, more specifically, "WHO is your point?"

Oh there is no shortage of causes. All of them good. Disasters in other countries, food for the hungry, books for underprivileged students, homes for orphans. There's hardly a Christian I know who isn't involved in some sort of campaign for social change. (I don't say that to be mocking at all. I count myself among them)

But could something be twisting and warping within us? Are we leaving something behind?

We were commanded to make disciples of Jesus NOT disciples of this cause or that cause.

A wise friend once counseled me that when we seek to bring comfort to those in need, whether they be starving from hunger, sleeping in the dirt, or widows and orphans without someone to comfort them, everything we do MUST point back to Jesus. The Lord Jesus should be the purpose behind our motives and our actions. It should be His glory that motivates us.

I am afraid that Christians in the adoption/orphan care community are in danger of falling into a snare.

There is so much to labor over. There is no shortage of work for hands willing to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, and hold orphaned children. Many people who have sold out to the cause struggle and fight against the apathy others. Many weep bitter tears of loneliness wondering where the workers are.

I understand that.

But sometimes all this work leads to a tendency to kick things into overdrive. Once we're operating in autopilot it's easy to become resentful. With resentment the door to our heart is easily opened at the knock of our inner Martha and her prideful spirit. Once we give way to that prideful striving spirit, all of a sudden it's easier to fall into other traps laid by pride- that artful and crafty foe of ours.

What was that about our left and right hand? How would that apply to someone who has attached their name to this or that cause? (no matter how small or how large it may be) Especially when there is so much public awareness to raise, so many people to see what is being done so they can join in. (That IS the motive behind what we're doing.... right?) How difficult does it become to separate what is truly fruitful from what if fluff; what is honoring from what is idolatrous?

If we aren't tripped up by the above, there is never a shortage of food for our pride's hunger.

What about those people who are in the position of need?

Oh they will be ever so grateful. They will love us and bless us. They might think we're really something. And if everyone else believes we're really something maybe we can begin to believe it too? How very minute is the line between acts done in humility and those with ulterior motives. While the two may be worlds apart, I have found that it's far too easy to cross over from the side on humity to the side of vainglory.

God forbid we, the Church, forget to point people to our purpose for being here.

It is so very easy to become self righteous and proud, or to fall into traps of legalism and the sinful curse of "doing". It has been my personal experience that motives are too easily warped.

I don't know about you, but I don't trust myself to get it right. I really need the Lord to guide me. ALWAYS.

The only way we can ever hope to be made holy in this regard is to be in continual prayer.

The Church must avoid, at all costs, striving for something that is altogether apart from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is vital we all pray long and hard over what message it is that we are preaching as we seek to advocate for adoptions, orphan care, or anything else for that matter; no matter how noble the cause might be.

It's ever so easy to veer to the left or right just a smidge. But, as the saying goes, "Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."

1 Corinthians 2:2 (NIV)
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

Sly Pride

In keeping with my recent posts, I went and studied the definitions of the words criticism and judgement (let me take a moment to nod toward Sassy Granny for sparking a new found love of word studies with her fondness for her good friend Merriam.) For some reason I had always made a distinction between the two in my mind. In Jen's world criticism seemed to be something spoken while judgement was something more internal, more mental.

I found no such distinction made in the dictionary, though it seems in common speech people do tend to use criticism to speak of comments or thoughts being expressed outwardly by a person, namely the critic.

I began thinking about the act of speaking critically or pronouncing judgements over people.

You totally know what came to mind next, right? Of course it was the book of James since I've been studying there for a few months.

Chapter two of James- WOW! I'm blown away once again at the richness of God's Word is. When I came to verses 14-18 I couldn't help but chew once again on the connection our beliefs have with our actions. James 2:18 asserts that merely claiming faith doesn't prove we possess it. The real test comes from what is born out of our faith in the form of deeds. In other words what we really trust in, rely on, cling to, and adhere to turns up in the way we "DO".

It occurred to me that it might be relatively easy for us to clean up our external behaviours and keep criticism of others to a minimum by only sharing with our spouses or close friends when we feet the occasion really called for it. We might be able to (mostly) curb our outward expression of judgement toward others. That might make us feel like we've really accomplished something; like maybe we've done enough. We might be tempted to say, "I'm not judging others."

We must remember that faith without deeds is useless, though.

I think it is so very dangerous for Christians to stop at mere external behaviours, because we know it's only a matter of time until what is truly in our heart flows right out our mouth. We are also aware that God is interested in the contents of our hearts. It would be faulty of us to assume that the deeds, here, would be merely external. The deeds of our hearts may be far more treacherous, running amuck and unchecked if we define them merely by superficial parameters.

Of course it's a double edged sword because we often gauge real change by visible "fruit" in a person's life. We are told that we will know a person by their fruit. Though sometimes we have to wait a LONG time for that fruit to appear. The temptation during that time is to consider the late bloomer a bearer of bad fruit, or a non bearing plant all together.

Case in point of a late bloomer: myself in my story. And so we see how easy it is to move through temptation and into the sin of playing judge over others whenobserving the only thing we can see- that is the "fruit" of a person's behaviour. We're reminded once again that only God can know a person's heart.

I don't know about you but all this confronts me with a REAL need for humility in my life. My heart is heavy to think of the myriad of ways I pass judgement of people daily. The ways in which I do this might seem small at the time; they might seem harmless but I'm realizing they most certainly are NOT.

For example (and you're REALLY going to find this ironic): I looked at a women who was picking up her daughter in the school's car line the other day. She was wearing outdated CLOTHES (are you laughing at my folly yet?) that were very unflattering on her. That she looked clean was about the best I could say for her disheveled ensemble. For a second I was tempted to ask her what possessed her to appear in public dressed like that. But then, I realized what little I know about anything in the world. I realized it was possible that this woman could have given all her best clothes to a homeless woman so she could interview for jobs. Or, maybe she was laid off and could only afford to buy second hand. Possibly she barely managed to trude out the door when her iron broke after she was up all night with a sick child. I don't know.

My point is, I DON'T know. And I probably won't find out either. So why would I want to spend my time (even if it's just a fraction of a minute) making assumptions and creating an atmosphere in my mind where I would be tempted to somehow elevate myself above another?

However I might attempt to explain that I wasn't intending to make sweeping assumptions about her character (only her curious taste in attire) I cannot explain away the futility of such behaviour.

All this to say, I'm taking on a new attitude when it comes to looking outward into the world; I want to see people through grace-colored lenses.

If I happen to come across someone in a situation where I might be tempted to form some kind of opinion about them or their actions I'm asking God to help me stop, and take inventory of my heart and my intentions to determine whether or not it is fruitful for me to even expend that energy.

I take James chapter two seriously when it says we need deeds to prove our faith is alive. The catch is I, alone, cannot do the heart transforming work needed to stop judging others. I need the Holy Spirit for that. So, if James 2:20 admonishes us that faith without deeds is dead, Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us just Who those deeds originate from.

Philippians 2:1-11 (NIV)
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Rain Drops Keep Falling, Continued.

At the close of my last post, we left Jen standing in a bathroom in complete hysterics after a particularly humilliating confrontation at a worship service somewhere in Atlanta.

I'd like to share my thoughts on that experience.

I'd like to start off with 1 Corinthians 13:1 as it relates to the gang of concerned peers who approached me.

I don't think the Lord could have orchestrated a better paradigim for what I ought NEVER to do to another living soul for as long as I should live. Even now the sting of humilation penetrates deep into my heart.

I don't hold anything against those young women who approached me. In many ways they were so RIGHT. They we're justified in being disgusted by my attire. They we're perfectly within their right to be concerend for their "brothers". Clearly they knew something was askew.

Unfortuantely, they decieded that they should deal with me instead of the Lord, and they pushed aside His command to do everything in love, preferring their own methods instead.

What they didn't understand is that while my attire was a real problem I had many more significant problems happening under the surface. They allowed themselves to become indignat and forgot what it meant to receive grace. They discriminated among themselves and became judges with evil thoughts. And, just like the Pharasees, they forgot just who it was Christ died for.

So many times when we talk about sharing the Gospel in areas of the world where there is immense sufering due to lack of basic physical necessities, we talk about how there comes a point when a person needs to have food in their belly and water to drink before they are able to receive anything deeper. Well, I think love is a necessitytoo; like air, or water, or food, love is VITAL to people being able to hear and receive the Gospel.

When a person comes into church starving for love who do we think we are to deny them it? Do we think we're serving Jesus? Do we really believe He is pleased with us, the children He rescued from wallowing in the mirk and mire of our own wretched sin, for rejecting each other?

How could these ladies have dreamed of the many nights I had been sitting before the Lord allowing Him to wash my feet? How could they have known that I had turned over my heart to Him? They were never privvy to the conversations me and my Jesus had together! They were unaware of where my heart stood in relation to God's.

This is why.....IT'S WHY HE WARNS US OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN:

Luke 6:36-38 (NIV)
36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

37"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Proverbs 21:2 (NIV)
2 All a man's ways seem right to him,
but the LORD weighs the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7b (NIV)
... The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

James 2:12-13 (NIV)
12Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, 13because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!

Proverbs 14:12 (NIV)
12 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

In the end I see that even the horrible shame I felt as a result of this life experience isn't a waste. I don't have to be pelted by guilt and embarassment. I can receive the blessings God offers me for my participation in that affair.

What seemed like a torrential downpour at the time now feels like a gentle restorative mist.

Not only am I surrounded by God's grace, I'm soaking in it.

Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (When I read this verse I replace "many lives" with MY LIFE)


Lord keep my feet from stumbling into the pit of pride! May I NEVER forget what you have done for me, and may I NEVER be afraid to share Your love with others. I ask you to never let my love for You grow cold. Don't ever let me prefer religion over my ralationshp with you. Don't let my insecurities keep me from extending grace and peace to others. Amen

291 Reasons to Say Nice (and True) Things to People

I'm a people person to the core. That is not to say I typify a people person, (sometimes I can be introverted and reserved, shy even.) only that I value relationships above anything else.

People are some of God's best gifts! One of my favorite things to do is to thank God for his handiwork in making people. I love to take attributes that I enjoy in others and thank our Creator for them. I think God enjoys this act as much as I do.

I discovered something about myself a few years ago. I realized that I have an ability to express my emotions with ease and that it would be beneficial for me to take my inward act of thanking God for people and make it a bit more public.

It rarely costs me anything to give a compliment, in fact I enjoy it. I never flatter. I have only trained myself to say what I naturally believe to be true. It seems so silly to me that I should ever withhold a kind word from anyone who might benefit from it in some small way. And so I have given myself permission to speak my mind freely in all matters concerning the positive attributes of others and my emotional fondness for them. I assume that the Maker of my BIG mouth has a purpose for it and that purpose is to use it in a way that honors Him while blessing others. So, I use my mouth often. I'd say as often as I can. (wink, wink) My intention is to love Jesus by loving others through words (at least. But not only).

This week I've felt God nudging me over and over again to consciously apply my efforts toward continually thanking Him. I tried to do this for as much as I could think of. I decided on a whim early this morning that I wanted to write each of my Facebook friends and express my gratitude for having them in my life. I have 291 friends on Facebook which meant that I would be typing out 291 personal notes. No copy and paste garbage for these precious folks.

I have been more blessed by this expression than I ever could have imagined.

As I took time to think about each person on my friend list I was blessed to recall the richness they have personally brought to my life. Fond memories, shared struggles, common bonds all came flooding back to my mind resulting in a deep and satisfying gratitude toward God and a genuine worship of Him.

But, it's just like God to never to be out-given. He's placed so many truly wonderful friends in my life that they all began writing me back and sending me kind words to bless my socks off. Thus they increased my thankfulness and joy a million times over.

Glory to God!

2 Corinthians 9:6-15*
*I know this passage is speaking about financial giving but I believe it applies to the kind of giving I referred to above; That kind of generous expression of good will and love toward others. I am also reminded of Galatians 5:22

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written:
"He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever." Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. 14And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

God's Balance Sheet

Dustin and I have entered into that space in the adoption process* where, I'll say it as candidly as I can, all hell has broken loose. Literally. I know those who have been through it know exactly what I'm talking about. Stuff just starts to seemingly fall apart. Usually all at once.

All of life's difficulties before this season of life feel kind of like the trial runs that stunt men make before the big feat. You know? The ones where they test out the projection of the ramp and the velocity of speed required to prevent their absolute destruction. Yes, there's danger involved but it's less intense knowing there's a safety net available, a pit of foam waiting for them at the end. It's not quite the real deal.

Dustin and I have learned to relate on some level to Paul's expression of being "hard pressed". Since December 2006 my husband and I have been in some of the most trying times of our entire existence.Since then the gloves have come off of our enemy. It's as if God decided we'd had enough test runs. If I were to list all the trials we've faced I'm pretty confident you'd agree it's been, and continues to be, intense for us. Each individual trial has felt like a debit from our reserves of strength, a transaction which has us feeling weary. Added together I've lately begun to feel bankrupt. Truly broken.

The other day I sat down before the Lord with a pen and paper in hand to list the major life events we've faced on a day when yet another immense trial had risen up before us. As I wrote my list I grieved over the losses, the suffering, the heartbreak, and the pain we have experienced. But, I couldn't deny the HUGE blessings we had also received, and while I didn't enjoy the trials on my list I knew that I'd never want to trade the victories for a smooth path marked by the absence of God's miraculous provision in our lives.

Lately, I've gotten really intentional about studying and living out James Chapter 1. James is no joke. He doesn't ease us into anything... he hits us with truth right away. BAM!

"CONSIDER it pure joy..."

Finally, finally, this week I decided to get to work on engaging FULLY in the act of considering. As I worked at "considering" God showed me so much. He recalled to my mind some parables. The parable of the sower and the different types of soil, particularly vs.8 came to mind. Other seeds fell on good soil, and yielded grain--some a hundred times as much as was sown, some sixty times as much, and some thirty. The parable of the talents also struck me as oddly being important to my work of "considering". (Hang with me here, I think this will make sense)

Our God is a God who loves increase. He's a God of fruitfulness. In my quiet time I was reminded that God, being eternal, has no end. Nor do His blessings and victories. Trials, while difficult, have and end! I desperately needed to be reminded of this truth as I faced another trial straw on top of my suffering donkey's back. I needed God to remind me that without trials I am immature and lacking all that He desires to give to me. So many times I have looked at God's blessings in my life as only those "good" and enjoyable things and called them fruit. It's been easy to talk about increase and fruitfulness when they came with interest on things that turned out "right". When I say "right" I mean things in this life that went the way I wanted them to or in a way that wasn't particularly painful to me.

It's been so much more difficult for the Lord to move me to include in my definition of fruitfulness and increase those blessings which come by walking through suffering with the Lord. It's been difficult to consider pure joy those things which likely will not be added to me this side of eternity. Things like death and the loss of loved ones, the injustice of corrupt people in the world, the suffering of innocents, abuse, illness, and on and on. It requires much faith for me to entrust these things to His care and to hold on until that Great Day.

What God reminded me of through Romans 8:28 is that we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. And again, that If God is for us, who can be against us? So if God is inspiring James to tell us to be joyful about our trials it's because we can KNOW that they truly are for our benefit. In God's economy everything is profit to His children who obey and trust Him. Blessings, victories AND even the trials we face equal a net positive to those who belong to Jesus Christ. This truth has made all the difference in the way I "consider" my trials. It somehow takes my focus off the current pain and difficulty and keeps me looking forward to the future!

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him





*I don't mean to say that things aren't going well with the process. Things are moving forward with the adoption and we are anxiously awaiting the day when A* comes home. I'm refering to the spiritual trials that often happen during an adoption.

Jen's Playlist

Generally, in the "family" worship category of Christian music the term is used quite loosely. I've learned it's best to keep my expectations relatively low. Usually when I've purchased "family" titles they have tended to be poorly written, annoyingly produced children's songs that only kids can enjoy. The family aspect seems to point to the fact that parents will have to willingly suffer through an entire album worth of kids screeching and funny animal voices, or something of the sort. You know, the kind of "family" music that makes parents shout praises when the music finally stops.

That's why I felt it was important to share some family worship music I believe is worth your time. It occurred to me that I've never recommended Seeds Family Worship here at the old blog-o so I thought I'd pop on to tell you that I heartily recommend them.

We have the seeds of Purpose, Faith and Praise CDs. There is also a Courage title and an Power of Encouragement ( I plan to pick those up ASAP). The verses from Scripture all address the theme of the titles. The songs on the three titles we own are tastefully arranged, in an adult theme with children accompanying professional vocalists.... Like I said, I've come to really love some of these songs not only for their Scripture content but for their musical appeal.

This week as I've been in prayer often I've desired to be wrapped up in the Word continually but I've found that my eyes wore out before my appetite was satisfied. So, I've turned to the Seeds CDs as my dessert course.

If you listen let me know what you think.

Came To My Rescue

There are few songs I love as much as the one below by Hillsong United. I chose this video because it includes the lyrics I love so much. The only thing I regret is that this video ends abruptly because it does not include the beautiful "A Reprise" that follows on the CD (United We Stand) so you'll have to purchase them on iTunes if you want to hear the whole deal.



Sassy Granny wrote a great post today. In my mind what she wrote went hand in hand with so much of what Dustin and I were studying last night regarding idol worship (Isa 44). It's scary to me to read that chapter and realize how humanity can chase after false gods with such devotion and intensity that our hearts can completely delude us. If I'm going to be seeking I'd like to know that I'm seeking the One True God. If I'm not seeking Him and am, instead, tracking idols then I want the LORD to shake my delusions loose and put me on His scent instead.

At times I feel so desperate over my endless capacity to sin. It's tempting to feel like I'll never see the day when Christ truly rules on the throne of my heart ENTIRELY. But then I remember that it was He Who saved me. He sought me out. And, He came to my rescue!

Thank you Jesus!

Next Steps?

Some things have recently come up for me and Dustin which have us praying fervently about the next steps God would have our family take. While I'm not ready to divulge what we're praying over you can be sure I will eventually, because, let's face it, I'm a big mouth like that.

Any hunches you might have right now are probably correct in some way or another as we are praying for strength to leave nothing off the table when it comes to living our lives in obedience to the calling God has given us. In the meanwhile you can read THIS post which very eloquently stirred my pot today and expressed much of what Dustin and I are striving to achieve as people who claim to love and follow Christ Jesus.

Taking Measure

God's really been driving a message home to me. Like a slow drip His persistent words beat on in my mind burrowing deeper only to spring up in my speech days (if not months or years) later. That's usually right about the time I actually figure out what it is He's been trying to tell me all along

It's disturbing that I've been journaling and praying over this topic for so long yet missing (or possibly avoiding) one very important piece of the puzzle. What's even more disconcerting is the idea that I knew these things without really KNOWING them. Suddenly, God has seen fit to tie it all together for me with a neat bow and in such a way as is unavoidable. Since the moment I came to understand what it was I'd been doing I've felt a freedom to move forward. But, I'm blabbering and I haven't even told you the details yet. So, I'll get to the point.

I've been forced to take certain things into account since my health issues arose in December. God has allowed those events to quite literally challenge my adulterous relationship with personal comfort and safety. I realize I have been foolishly measuring God's love for me by temporal standards in many ways that previously had not occurred to me. While I'd gotten it right in some ways I'd been getting it very wrong in others.

God's love for me is NOT measured by the food in my stomach, the bed that I sleep in, the health of my physical body, the freedom I enjoy, and on & on. Unfortunately I find, in truth, that I foolishly end up resenting God when my personal definition of "love" (translation: the comfort I find in those things previously listed) isn't met. As a follower Jesus I must always remember God's love for me is measured by the lengths He went to ensure my salvation though Jesus Christ and secure my place as a citizen in His Kingdom. That fact needs to be enough for me even when life is painful which really requires some maturity out of me. I must change how I process God's love for me in the midst of extremely burdensome life experiences. That kind of work can really only be done through the Holy Spirit because it requires everything to pass through a thick filter of faith in, reliance upon, and adherence to Christ Jesus.

The fact that the physical world is not always a good indicator of God's love drives me to His Word with renewed passion. Truly, Divine revelation has to happen for us to comprehend the hope we have in Christ and I intend to pursue such revelation. In my study of Ephesians 1 it strikes me how much we should seek this understanding so that we may know Him better. When I was infantile in my faith God used the physical things of this world as object lessons in my life to point me toward the deeper spiritual truths of His Fatherly love and provision. He, being the loving God He is, gently built up my faith. Now it's time for His Word to assure me of His love once more, to round out my understanding of Him not through temporal things but through spiritual truths. I feel the Lord prodding me on toward greater faith. A faith that allows my comfort to wait to be gratified until the fullness of the Lord's timing and rest secure in His love during the meantime. A faith that requires I pull up my big girl panties and stop being so juvenile in esteeming my personal comfort over His spiritual agenda.

All this is not because God is mean or perverse. I'm ill equipped to be able to expound in depth on all the infinite ways God's plans for us are loving and good. The point of this post is not to preach a sermon. I'm simply saying I finally read Jesus loud and clear about why it's so important for me to give up the things below for the greater things He has to offer.

On a Day Like Today

It's Good Friday. Such an important day for me to meditate on.

Our friend Mark posted a really lovely video from his last trip to Ethiopia / Kenya with World Orphans. In thinking of all my Saviour suffered for me there's nothing more inspiring to me. This Good Friday I want to know how I may better bring His love to His beloved children here at home and abroad.

Red Letters Campaign- Refreshed

Hello bloggy friends. Praise God I have awoken today renewed. It's as though my tears watered a fresh crop of hope and faith in my heart. Thank you Jesus! All I can say is it's a true blessing from Him.

I received much comfort from my loving husband who was so tender with me yesterday despite his own immense sadness. He encouraged me with so much gentleness and truth. What a man!

You know that YG family I posted about two posts ago? They rallied around us like you cannot imagine. We had notes coming out our ears. On Facebook, on Twitter, right here on my blog. Next, came our church family. Many of whom sent notes, left comments, sent emails and ecards. How can a girl feel sorry for herself when she's got so many beloved friends encouraging her like that. I shared all the notes with Dustin and he agreed that everyone's prayers and encouragement was a healing balm applied straight from God's own hands to our hearts. Thank you to everyone who was a part of that! We love you!

Dustin and I prayed for ALL the children in Ethiopia last night with the same fervor we prayed for our own son. We prayed for all the families with AWAA no matter where they stand in the process. Because of that alone I feel like fruit has been born out of having to wait longer. Praise God. I can do trials as long as God gives me those little crumbs to follow (and He always does) on His trail of blessing, those tidbits that keep me moving along in Him.

It's been my experience that God builds in my life like a mason. It seems He layers prayers, truths and experiences in my life. Building upon foundations He may have set many months, sometimes years in advance. What can I compare it to? Well, ever been in a big city? One, say, like Chicago? Have you tried to take in the Sears Tower from the ground level standing at the front entrance? If you have you probably can still feel the pain in your neck. It's nearly impossible to view the whole picture from the foot of the massive tower. You need a little distance between yourself and it to really take in the grandeur. As you walk further away from the building more of it comes into view making it easier to grasp the whole picture.

That's how it seems to go in my relationship with Jesus. For many years I've been standing next to the Lord while he lovingly slapped mortar on the bricks of my life and stacked them. Sometimes I been able to see the purpose for which those particular bricks were laid. Other times I've not understood the reasons at all. For years now I've been witnessing construction of some sort. Many times over the years I've also found that the enemy has tempted me to look at the brick wall in front of me and think that it was simply that, a brick wall.

I am thankful to say that the Lord has awakened me this morning with a fresh perspective. He's bid me to take a few steps back. To revisit some of the prayers I've prayed in my heart and some of the ways He's answered them. He's called me to examine more intensely His handiwork layer after layer. What has begun to come into view is a project SO GRAND I could never have imagined it's consequence. We're talking a large scale, Wonder of the World, kind of project.

I am unashamed to say that I've prayed some pretty grand scale prayers these recent few years of my life, and that I am convinced God is not afraid to answer them. In fact, I believe He's gone about answering them from the moment I prayed them. He's been working faithfully on days when I could recognize His efforts, on days I forgot to consider His efforts, on days I didn't like what His efforts were producing in my life, and even on days I rejected His work outright. I am sorry to say that in the space between the prayer and the fulfillment of the answer I have been easily led into disbelief and mistrust at times. I am guilty of trading faith and trust for immediate gratification, something my flesh could cling to and grab on tightly to right away instead of waiting for the fulfillment of my hopes and clinging to Christ alone.

Today I am so humbled and thankful for the attitude adjustment which came riding on the back of a disappointment that blind sided me ( I fully expected to pass court, folks, despite every natural inclination which told me that it was not a helpful thing to convince myself of) As I've said, God has used the turn of events to invite me to take some steps back. I've been able to see the work in progress. I can see how wonderful an Architect He is. I may still not be able to fully comprehend what the finished product will look like but I can at least catch a glimpse of how much of God's glory is in the thing. I can see that it's clearly not about me anymore. The thing is WAAAAY over my head at this point.

I have been given this morning the opportunity to walk back up to the bricks in front of me and look more closely at their purpose. I can recall the glimpse God gave me from a distance and realize that this brick named WAITING which has taken up so much of my view supports another brick to come. One I haven't dreamed of or imagined at this point. Many bricks will follow. Imeasurably more. That's a promise and I am glad for it.

God be glorified!

2 Peter 3:9- The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Isaiah 62:6 & 7 (emphasis mine)- O Jerusalem, I have posted watchmen on your walls; they will pray day andnight, continually. Take no rest, all you who pray to the Lord. Give the Lord no rest until he completes his work, until he makes Jerusalem the pride of the earth.

An Anniversary Present

It is 2:08 am. I slipped out of bed to come write. I sleep every night next to the biggest blessing of my life, aside from my salvation through Jesus Christ. My husband is the blessing through which most of my other earthly blessings flow. Without him I would not be the woman or mother I am today. He's loved me better than any other human in my life. He has loved me through it all. He's never been perfect but he's always been just what I needed and just what the Doctor ordered. To put it bluntly Dustin is the PRIMARY instrument Christ has used in my life to lavishly display His love for me. The sun will rise today on the 9th year of my marriage to an amazing man. I have never been more thankful than I am in this moment.

I don't know when, exactly, but I know that very soon my man and I will embark on another adventure together having already come so far. I cannot believe where God has taken us. Looking back, I have seen God's provision and I am filled with hope for our future together. We have come too far with Jesus to ever go back. God has done too much in our lives for us to stop following Him now, and by His grace we will continue on to finish the race He has for us.

I don't write all this to try to act as if we never falter in our faith. I certainly do. Trust me I have days where all of a sudden a feeling will wash over me that I have gotten myself in so unbelievably far over my head that I stop dead in my tracks for a moment. Then, I swallow hard and press on. I could pee my pants looking over my track record of faithfulness or my ability to get things right. It aint pretty! I've only recently come to realize it's SO NOT about me/us anymore. Thank God!

Speaking of my track record. It's funny how over time our memories fade. Even the things we swore we'd never lose seem to drift away with time. God has gifted me in that I have kept a journal fairly regularly since I was in elementary school. My journals are prayer journals. I don't usually record the daily routine in there as mush as I lay down my concerns and my deepest struggles. I've always felt as if they would best be described as the underbelly of my emotional/spiritual state, mainly because I tend to write in them more when I am sad or steaming ticked off than when things are lovely and all is running smoothly. If ever I find a need for a memory refresher my prayers and words linger there, stark reminders of the times during which the entries were written.

As I was heading to bed tonight I had more than a few things on my mind. The two topics which occupied the majority of my thoughts were our son and our anniversary. I dug out all of my old journals ranging from 1997- present and began by reading through the painful years during which I endured much bondage and the weight of uncontrolled sin in my life. Next, I read every entry on or around our anniversary date followed by every entry related to the birth of our children in '01, '02, and '04 and the emotions surrounding them. Finally, I read through the miscarriages in Dec '06 and Apr '07. I didn't need to read on through to the adoption because I am living out those emotions and prayers daily.

It's funny how much my journals differed from what I had expected to read. While I know that my journals are completely incomplete they have also captured more than I could have ever imagined they would. During the worst times of my life I had expected to read page upon page of lamentation only to find seeds of praises and hope written instead. In the lowest valleys of my life I never could have imagined what God would have in store for me. What I saw was God gently leading me up to and then through surrender. All kinds of surrender spanning so many areas of my life. As I read I saw that the more I surrendered, regardless of how raw that surrender was, the more God used it in my life to glorify Himself.... DESPITE my failures, shortcomings, weaknesses and sins. I was able to identify all the many times I learned (very SLOWLY at times, even STUBBORNLY), by the sheer grace of God, to submit.

The journals revealed what I've always known to be true. I am a REALLY- I mean REALLY- messed up person. I am still that person in the flesh BUT I observed, tonight, something truly amazing. As I read through those pages filled with tears of sorrow, remorse and repentance I saw not only the broken Jen, I was able to see something else or rather Someone else as well.

I saw Jesus. I saw Him, in all of His mercy and grace leading me and my husband.

Every low point in my life has been, ONLY by the grace of God, redeemed. It may not look as polished as I would like it to. I may not have come out smelling like roses. Some might still look at me and laugh thinking I have declared victory a bit too early. Truly, anyone who really knows me KNOWS I am still OH SO VERY imperfect and full of sin, but, I know there's a difference in me. Jesus knows too. He's the difference. Every time I have chosen Him instead of the "other" He has NEVER failed to redeem me. I am astounded at how far He's brought me. In many ways I am still that broken person but in so many more ways I am NOT. Christ is in me and He has made all the difference in my marriage, in my life!

King Jesus, I love you. What more can I say? You are my Redeemer and the Love of my life. You have given me EVERYTHING. You have been so ridiculously lavish with Your gifts I can't even express my thankfulness. ALL I want to do is bring a smile to Your face. I know I can do all things through You. I have Hope. My hope is in You!

Thank you for my beloved husband who is so precious to me. I LOVE that man. Thank you for our children who bring so much joy to our lives. Thank you for never failing our family and for richly blessing us despite ourselves! Mature us into faithful servants filled with Your Spirit and love. Not for our glory but for Your names' sake.

May no one reading this EVER think I've got it all together. All I have is You.* You are MORE THAN ENOUGH!

Amen

*If you've happened upon this post and you don't know how it is that a person can "have" Jesus you can click the button on my side bar that says "Ready" and read all about salvation through Jesus Christ.

A Timely Word

So most of you know I've been doing the Beth Moore study: Breaking Free. Last Monday's session spoke to me in such a powerful way I really wanted to share with you. If you've been reading for a few months you'll know that I have been hearing God whisper to me about deepening my prayer walk with Him. These points from the study just absolutely spoke to me about how to go about doing that.

Beth says in BF: (my notes are in italics)

Our prayers become more powerful when we are acquainted with:

-God's personality. (see Neh 1:4-7) She says to look for "God is..." in the Bible and
take it seriously. Study what He says about Himself and become familiar with
it.

- God's promises (Neh 1: 8-9) Look for what "God says..." to His people

-God's practices Again, be looking for what God does in His Word. Has there been a situation in His Word that is similar to what I am going through or what I am praying over? How did God respond?

So this is where my husband and I are at the moment. Really digging into the Word and learning all over again, it seems, to pray.

Fellowship

After some of the best conversation of my life Saturday night with our friends Mark and Julie my husband Dustin and I are praying in a whole new way. Mark and Julie Have a real testimony of stewardship. They inspire us to ponder our maximum effectiveness as we seek to be stewards of all we have been entrusted with. Not merely maximizing our money but everything we've been entrusted with! Our talents, our passion, out time.... each breath we take is entrusted to us. We have a choice. Will we glorify God or ourselves?

Folks, something is happening to us that we can't even explain. I don't know where it ends but I do know that it's BIG. We are simply getting to the point in life where we cannot know about hurting people in the world anymore and do nothing about it. Christ is everything to me! If I don't share His love and tell others about Him what does that make me? Of course my heart burns for people around the word but just the other day I was driving on a PHX freeway when I saw a man at the exit holding a sign. I looked at my purse knowing I had no cash in there (usually don't) and then I unrolled my window and told him, "Sir I have nothing to give you but I offer you blessings." He smiled and said thank you. The light changed and I drove off. Yet, I was sick inside. I KNOW prayer is vital. I know God cares about that man and that He heard my prayers for the man. I think what God did in my heart was tell me that I could offer more. Maybe not in the case of the man at the freeway exit but in the future I want to be ready. I want God to prepare my heart to truly meet the needs of others. It's fine to offer someone blessings in the form of prayer (in fact we must because we are commanded to do it) BUT many people need blessings in the form of a full belly and a listening ear which offers compassion. They need a friend who will speak to them about the love of Christ in words AND deeds.

God I pray you make me and Dustin an Isaiah 58 kind of person For your glory and fame. Not ours.

Life is sad and so broken. It's hard. It can be overwhelming but it IS all worth it in Christ.

Isaiah 58-
1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.
3 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?' "Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers.
4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ?
6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Oh My...

This is why we are called to get our hands dirty working to meet the needs of others in pain and need. Have a listen to this!!

Not So Discouraged That We Won't listen

Life has been hard for me lately. Things have been more than difficult is nearly every erea of our life these days and my husband and I are definitely feeling hard pressed under the weight. We both feel discouraged.

This is for us and for anyone else under threat of becoming too discouraged by their trials, troubles and cares:

Exodus 6:6-9 (NLT)

6 “Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. 7 I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. 8 I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”

9 So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. (emphasis mine)

It's tough. You are weary, yes?! But don't give up an inch. The truth is God willed that the slaves were going to be set free. That means they were to be free indeed, no matter what. It was only a matter of what their track record of faith would be like during the wait. Would they listen and believe or would they grow so discouraged and so focused on their misery that they would refuse to find comfort in the Comforter?

I have felt the strain of our circumstances and been discouraged some lately. Not because of the adoption. Mostly because of other events happening in our life right now. Oh friends, I have been tempted to grow so discouraged that I wouldn't listen. Truthfully maybe there are times when I have not listened to the Lord. But not today! Today I seek the Lord afresh to listen to what He has to say to me and to trust in Him.

Which leads me to my theme verse lately. One which I cannot let go of or fail to be reminded of as it hits home for this season of my life perfectly and so I MUST share it again:

Habakkuk 3:19 (AMP)

19The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Honestly

I have to be honest here. 2007 was a really tough year. This month is starting off on the difficult side too. It's hard to have SO MANY DIFFICULTIES swirling around our family. I guess I am trying to write about how I feel about all these difficulties without going into too great detail. That's a hard thing to do. Especially if the goal is to have people understand what in the world you are typing about not sound like a loon. Well, I have resolved myself to the idea of sounding like a loon. I just need to vent. This is a strange forum for that, but hey I am a strange person!

I've written before about being in need this past year. I have been able to see the blessings of being in such a position but sometimes I struggle. It's plain HARD. When we committed to place our whole family on the alter for the Lord's service back at the leadership commitment event at Palm Valley we really had not a clue what that meant. Only now are we beginning to catch glimpses of how all encompassing that commitment really was.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom, unloading all my heart's concerns and asking her for more prayer I found these words coming out of my mouth; " It just gets hard. It's like every area of our life is under serious overhaul. We have SO MANY things going on." I was thinking of all the areas in our lives where we are absolutely in a position of utter need and we have no choice but to rely on the Lord for our provision or it aint gonna happen for us! While we sometimes grow weary of being in that position I have a gut feeling that years from now we will look back and see that this season produced a gigantic amount of spiritual growth in our lives. Sometimes, Dustin and I wonder if the Lord isn't calling us to spend the rest of our lives here on earth in such a position. To be totally honest that freaks me out a whole lot! It's HARD work to surrender myself to the Lord's care daily. To honestly not try to cling to the delusion of control of my own life. To live on the brink. To live by faith. IT takes lots of work. LOTS OF YIELDING TO THE HOLY SPIRIT.

To be completely honest once more, I can think of many, many, MANY days where I have failed to do that. I have been a grumbly little desert wanderer. I have an entire runway behind me lit up with God's faithfulness and provision for me and our family yet many days I wake up feeling sorry for myself over the fact that each day God only chooses to only light up enough of the day's runway for me to finish out the day. No more, no less. Really, I haven't often been happy about that.

To give myself a little grace I have to say that Dustin and i have faced down some seriously stressful situations lately and by God's grace we have been able to act faithfully. It may take us travelling the LONG way to get there, but the Lord always brings us to the place where we surrender for His glory.

That is where I am at today. We have huge burdens pressing upon our hearts this week. SO MANY LOOSE ENDS. We wonder about our future and what's going to happen. How will things play out. At this point we just feel the need to KNOW, we don't necessarily care how things turn out. It seems there is some kind of oppression here in the waiting place. Not that God is oppressing us, but that the enemy is trying desperately to steal anything and everything he can get from us in our weakness during the wait.

It is so appropriate for us to be studying Abraham and Sarah during this time. Talk about a LIFETIME of waiting on the Lord!!!! I can't fathom!! Nor, can I really honestly say I'd want to share in some of that (...but that's just my fleshy faithlessness talking... I can't give way to that!!) thankfully the Patriarchs study I did last year with all my precious sister is still very fresh in my mind and is wonderful to draw from while I read the text once more.

Who would have ever though that this is where Dustin and I would be?

Back to the phone conversation with my mommy. As soon as the words came out of my mouth about how all encompassing life change seems to be for us lately, the Holy Spirit confirmed in me that I ought not to wonder at this. It's as if he reminded me that placing oneself completely on the alter means that God will completely accept that offering and do what He will with it.

This is just the LORD doing what the LORD does. That ought to make me rejoice. And so that's what I will do during this wait. Rejoice in the Lord and continue to wait on Him.

Movies

The kids watched Lassie tonight. Though, it was no version of Lassie that I had ever seen. It was some kind of foreign production. ( I assume by the accents and the fact that the setting is in Scotland) Our dear Rory was moved to tears at one particular scene of violence when a man beat a dog to death. She was angry and horrified all at once. So deeply moved by the injustice of it all. We had a nice long conversation sprinkled with many hugs and kisses.

She took much comfort in reminding me that even the dogs in this movie were acting and that none of them actually were hurt or dead "in real life". I was glad she was clever enough to think of that herself.

After the kids went to bed Dustin and I popped in the DVD of Evan Almighty (yes, I know we are the LAST people on earth to have seen the film) and enjoyed a laugh or two. The last scene where Evan and "god" are dancing in the field together found me choking back a few tears.

The theme from Evan Almighty which struck a cord in me most was the theme of man's rejection. My skin crawled in the scene where "god" stripped Evan of his regular clothes in front of everyone and revealed Evan before congress in his "Noah clothes". Evan then admitted in front of everyone all that god had told him to do. Everyone mocked him and was disgusted by him.

It was such a dramatic and moving scene to me. Partially because I have, at times and in much less dramatic ways, experienced the angst of sharing what I knew to be God's desire for my life to others and having them look back at me as if I were crazy, laughing me off a bit. Or, even worse, not listening to me at all... just sorta staring right through me as if I were a window. I've been stung by rejection before, to be sure.

Oh yes, and my flesh grew very uncomfortable at that point. Why..... Matthew 16:24 If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. The hero Evan did just that.

If only you could have read the thoughts running through my mind. Trying to determine the breaking point of my pride and the beginning of my willingness to bend my knees to the pleasure of God's perfect will in spite of man's biting rejection. Have I truly done that? Like the Limbo: How low can I go? What am I willing to suffer to accomplish Christ's will for my life?

After heading to bed and praying for the evening with Dustin another old movie was recalled to my mind. The first movie I ever cried over, and a bitter cry at that! The Elephant Man. Whew, talk about a humdinger of a tear jerker! I must have been around 7 or 8 at the oldest. I sat down with my grandma, aunt and mom to the film, which contained themes largely over my head. Oh, but not the rejection, evil and injustice. We all know those when we see them don't we?

It was right at some intense scene of suffering on the part of our dear Elephant Man ( I can't recall the specifics because I never again subjected my heart to such torture as it endured watching that film the first time) and I believe some men were beating him. I am not sure. All I can remember is hating the sheer cruelty of those people mistreating the Elephant man. Hating their insensitivity to his obvious worth and the injustice of it all. That big fat meanies should be able to carry on like that and NOT get spanked was beyond me! I refused to be consoled and was in complete hysterics for at least ten minutes. (probably more, as I've been reminded many times that throughout my childhood that I could really turn the water works on... if ya know what I mean. wink, wink)

Already, by the age of 7 or 8 I had come to understand that the world could be a mean place, that injustice abounded ( just ask any three year old who doesn't get what she wants about injustice!) but I don't think I had ever encountered such a vicious display of it before that point, or if I had I hadn't yet had the ability to recognize it for what it was nor comprehend it. Nope, for me, The Elephant Man was an awakening of sorts. One I have never forgotten.

I don't have the time (especially this early in the a.m.), or quite frankly all the answers to wrap up neatly for myself all the issues I seem to be trying to process related to the themes of these movies and the cords they've struck in me tonight. One thing I am glad of is that now some twenty years later I do have a much greater understanding of Hope and of the Joy set before me which compels me to pray that the Lord would indeed make me to stand firm against my fears and temptations and to take up my cross and follow Him wherever He would have me go!

To me taking up our crosses is what being BOLD is all about.